Fallen Feelings of the Night - Writers Forum

thegodmama · 11-30-2007, 07:38 PM

Tonight I saw the harvest moon. It’s not even a full moon but how something so far away and forsaken took my breath away I don’t know. I realized then that not many things can take my breath away anymore. Have I become that desensitized that life can’t throw anything at me that will shock me? For instance I guy at work that I knew and loved to talk to died yesterday. Finding out the news left me unsettled and confused but it didn’t take my breath away. I feel nothing. When I was a child I told myself no smoking, no alcohol, and wait for sex. I smoke, love alcohol, and my husband will have an experienced wife. What happened to us growing up? When did our morals fly out the door? My mind has become stupid with frappuccinos and crosswords. Is this what I have to look for in the up coming adult years? Same shit different day? I look back on the week I just had and nothing stands out, nothing happened to take my breath away. In high school I had to fight and use my brain everyday. Something new was thrown at me all the time. If this is it then I quit. Married life will stink. I know I wont get the man of my dreams I will get the guys out there right now that have no balls to go after what they want and to take hold of life… I don’t even know how to do that. Everyone says we are the future. But looking at now it looks dim and boring.

Wallmaker · 11-30-2007, 07:59 PM

thegodmamma,

You have some interesting ideas here, but its mostly musings which stem from the view of this moon. There are so many ideas here, I get the vision of a complex and conflicted character, but it could use some concrete images? Maybe a description to simplier life before growing up? Maybe more about the guy and the failed relationship? Who is this guy in relation to the narrator?

Right now, most of this seems self reflective and self meaning. I understand the questions being asked, but I am unsure of the motivations or the connections with all the other ideas and questions. And in short, without fleshing it out, it reads a bit like a diary entry or a blog. Of course, that type of writing is quite popular now, I don't mean to belittle it.

I'm just saying more concrete images, more physical to match this mental inner dialogue. I think that will make it a more approachable piece.

Also, this is a very brave and emotional piece to post. It's tough to get all of this out there. I think you have enough emotion and you and a good focal point (dissillusionment to growing up). Now just shape it in your next draft.

Cheers,

Kay

JohnN · 12-05-2007, 08:26 AM

Your musings are jumbled and complex, but they convey meaning. Musings and ideas are rarely simple.

The fact nothing surprised you is nothing special. nothing surprises most people at a young age we are desensitized. If life and future seems boring, then find something you love doing and do it. Boredom will no longer be the problem. A lack of time will be.

elibats · 12-07-2007, 07:19 PM

I identified deeply with two parts of your vignette; my uncle committed suicide last summer and I couldn't bring myself to cry. It wasn't that I didn't care, it was that it didn't seem real.

Also, I smoke half a pack a day and when I was 14 I wrote in my journal "I WILL NEVER SMOKE CIGARETTES!" and signed it.

Life is boring. I agree on that. But I also believe in not giving up, and, at times, enjoying the boredom.

Peace
Polly

Intel · 12-08-2007, 06:56 AM

I agree with everyone else. This is some nice musing but you need to localize it a little. I understand that this was probably a personal piece but if you're going to show it to other people they've got to understand where your coming from.

This isn't exactly about the writing of your piece but why does it matter that you smoke, drink and have sex now? When you were a child I doubt these things mattered to you personally, however i'm sure they meant a great deal to your parents and those around. You call these acts moral when in fact they were just passed down to you from another generation. Oh silly me, I just can't help getting involved.