Thread: Section 12ed, part one

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Your story is good and your writing is clear and understandable, but there is something missing . It doesn't have a pull to it. It seems dry. It needs spicing up somehow. Some intrigue. Mystery. It is perhaps too wide open, leaving nothing to the imagination. Try coloring it up a bit. Spicing it. Adding aroma and flavor to it. Let the reader feel what you are saying. Brighten it up.

hmm... well it's not a particularly "bright" story but i understand what you're saying. does it need more background? or just more description? i want to finesse the first part before i move on to what happens next.

Not bad, i liked but I agree there is no pull. Maybe because nothing shocking happened. Your language is also quite pedestrian. I dont mean you should use long words, but try some uncommon words.

If I were you I would move on with the book. Re-writing sentences, paragraphs, chapters, even the whole book is part of book writing. Re-writes are continually done until the very moment a manuscript goes to publication. As you continue you will find answers to improving the book.