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Addict
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: London, UK
Gender: Female
Posts: 141
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It's an diary entry. Care to read?
I miss Tom.
I know I’m so overreacting – we spoke last only a week ago, and I’m going totally crazy about nothing. But we’ve never not spoken for this long when we’ve not been in a fight before, so it’s just weird. I don’t like it. I love him and I miss him and it’s hard for me to communicate this to him without seeming clingy and overbearing.
In my life I can tell I’m often going to have this problem, since when I’m in love I seem to be ridiculously in love (or is that just being a teenager?) I was in love with Alex, although he never knew it, for two or three months, and I obsessed then, as well. With Tom it’ll be so much harder to let go (with Alex it wasn’t really hard at all since I kind of fell out of love with him and straight into it with Tom, although I wouldn’t have liked Alex for that much longer anyhow) because it’s been nearly a year and I care as much as ever; besides which, it’s reciprocated, which is an entirely new thing for me!
It’s weird, and I’m a little confused, because I don’t understand whether or not I am in the slightest attractive. I mean, I never thought of myself as pretty in the slightest (if anything, below average: my skin isn’t great, although it is slowly improving with my Pill; my hair isn’t long and flowing; I wear a brace, for God’s sake!) Also the attitude of all the guys at school is that I’m simply sexless, and I was talking to Jack today and he was totally putting me down. I don’t hold it against him, since we slag each other off to each other’s faces quite often; it’s just the way we interact. It’s just he was all ‘I can’t think of a single guy who thinks you’re fit’ and all this kind of stuff, basically saying I was ugly. This obviously was irritating – no one likes being told they’re unattractive by someone they call a friend – but afterwards I was more perplexed than anything else. It’s just… when I look in the mirror, I don’t see an ugly girl; when I see myself in photos, I can tell I’m not ugly, maybe average but my figure is perfectly respectable; I’m not overweight or anything like that. And Tom… Tom finds me attractive. It’s a fact. The other undeniable fact is that he is more attractive than I am: in looks he is definitely what is vulgarly termed ‘out of my league’. Yet there it is: he’s told me I’m beautiful and meant it; he’s kissed me; he’s held me; he’s fallen in love with me and said so.
Even if I wasn’t certain that he loved me (which I am; he wouldn’t joke about it), that’s not the attractiveness issue.
So when it comes down to it, I begin to wonder whether how your estimation of how attractive someone is, is based a lot more on peer opinion of that person, and on how you view their personality. The latter is incontestable: I always find someone more attractive when I like their personality; it’s a psychological thing I suppose.
But what I’m saying here is that because I’m popularly regarded to not be good-looking at all (don’t misread me here; I’m not saying I’m a beauty queen, but I’m not ugly and I won’t have anyone put me down unnecessarily), people don’t judge for themselves. They don’t see me, the real me: they see what they believe to be me, what the popular misconception of me is. Am I making sense in the slightest? It’s just I wonder whether people are seeing me (and this is both personality and looks) with their own eyes, or perhaps they’re viewing me with the eyes of public opinion.
I guess it happens a lot, and I probably do it as well. I never used to question the way I’m seen, and almost accepted it as the truth, but I think perhaps it is falling in love that’s helped me see that the way I’m perceived isn’t necessarily the way I really am. In fact, it’s probably not the way I am. And that’s why what Tom and I have is so special, because he is seeing me with unbiased eyes, he sees me for what I am, and what’s more, he loves me for what I am.
Of course I’m not ugly: nor am I boring or overly sarcastic or gawkily intelligent, or any of the other things that people might categorise me as. I’m me, and if people would take the time to shake off the tinted spectacles and see me with their own mind, they might be surprised.
Well, they definitely would be. I love the person I am, and I can’t imagine being anyone else, ever. I’m me: I’m medium height, with nice legs and bad skin and pretty eyes and small breasts (and reams of other good and bad qualities); I’m funny but too blunt; I’m capable of the deepest love and I don’t bear a grudge but equally I’m disarmingly irreverent. I have advantages and disadvantages like anyone else, but I want to embrace my own psyche for what it is. I refuse, anymore, to let people label me as something I’m not.
And besides, if they can’t find out the way I really am, and prefer to treat me like the person they have conjured up (or the person I was five years ago when they first knew me) then to be honest time spent with them would be wasted anyway.
I saw all this because of love; only love has had the power to show me how deeply you can be misunderstood, and how cripplingly you can misunderstand yourself.
I suppose the only way I can finish is with some John Lennon lyrics.
Who am I?
Nobody knows but me
Nobody knows but me
Who am I?
Nobody else can see
Just you and me.
__________________
"Only something in me understands the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses: nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands"
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