To be honest, it hooks you VERY fast, so I enjoyed it very much for the first few minutes. But I've gotten about a fifth of the way down and it seems like you're still trying to set the hook. The problem is that you're giving the reader way too much time to pull that hook right back out.
At one point you just need to stop cutting everything up and really give the reader something to dig into. With all of the space between the lines, it becomes a chore to read. Jazzing the text by position and color, and using singular words is good every once in a while, but it's better to control that and use it discreetly. There
has to be some thick bodies with descriptives and easy-to-understand storytelling.
edit: Okay I got down to the meat. It seems like you're trying to write one big soliloquy, and it just becomes uninteresting at a point. I'm going to quote you and tell you exactly what I mean.
Quote:
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I'm not sure… I don't think his departure had that much of an effect on me. Some think that's when your problem began. I can tell you this is untrue. I'm proud of him for doing what you couldn't. I'm clapping for you, can you hear it? Eh, you gotta listen closely since it's more of a golf clap. Envy is a bitch. If you were to put your ear to a cup you'll probably hear something more of anger though.
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This is a good paragraph by itself, very punchy. But you can't use that too much, or it gets tired. The main problem is that there's no real setting, no dialogue, etc. It gets tiring to read because it's just one really really long one-sided conversation. And this may be a very big thing to ask, but I also suggest you drop all of the "you"s, as the reader can handle that for a very short while, but will soon want to know who "you" is. If they don't, why should they care about anything having to do with "you"?
btw I liked the quote insertions, especially the pink floyd.
