Thread: Chapter IV in my memoir- need feedback

Sorry I erased this- I don't want my stuff online anymore.

Right on. I'm confused about why you're so unhappy though... people have a reason to be unhappy, even if it's just clinical depression.

Two different types of comments for you.
Thank you. Although we all feel depression slightly differently, we all feel depression the same. First, I want to add onto what F.G. said, i.e., "people have a reason to be unhappy". You spent alot of time explaining what it feels like to be unhappy. That was great. You explained it pretty well; what we go through when we are depressed, the "act" that we sometimes put on for others. However, in my opinion you still need some kind of a message in writing. Any kind of a message really. So, what is it that you are trying to say or convince others of? Is it that you are unhappy or is there more to it? I would try to think about this and see if you don't want to change anything.

On another note, if I am completely wrong, and that you are looking for somebody to understand you? or maybe to help you? I dont' know. It sounds like an "accidental" cry for help to me... I may be wrong though...

I'll just hope for you..........that it is a work of fiction, not a memoir. If you wanted to give insight into the thoughts that come to mind when one considers taking the plunge, you successfully took us there.
Glad you stayed around though........

I really enjoyed reading this-- the writing is very well done, and the depictions are intense. A great read, depressing, but very good, I enjoyed it alot and I respect what you've created here quite a bit.

---

My one critisism is the use of profanity in certain situations, especially the word "fuck". Don't misread that, I have no problem with profanity, I curse more than anyone that I know, and fuck is my favorite word, but there are times when profanity helps and times when it hurts. For example:

You wrote-- "Every single fucking day. | And it hurt so fucking much." ...
I think that-- "Every single day. | And it hurt so much." ...
Would be much more effective. Without the word "fucking" in there, these lines sound much deeper, and they make the following "fucks" more impacting.

The "fuck" that should really hit the reader hard is "Nothing is FUCKING alright". This "fuck" should stay, and by removing the two "fucks" before it, I think it will have a much better impact. Too much cursing can make a piece lose its dramatic value, which works in favor of comedic or satirical pieces, rants, etc., but for things on a more dramatic and serious level you have to chose your profanity so it has the most impact.

I find this to apply to the whole piece in general.

Overall though, I really, really liked this piece. Good job, it's a great work of non-fiction, and you've done a beautiful job of painting a picture of your emtions for the reader.

Originally Posted by Flexbile Garphite

Right on. I'm confused about why you're so unhappy though... people have a reason to be unhappy, even if it's just clinical depression.

You're completely right, I just didn't want to write a novel in a chapter. This chapter just explains my emotions for the most part, while other chapters help to elaborate on why it is I feel that way. But thanks for the feedback. =). I think I might post another chapter later today.

Originally Posted by MetalMusicMan

My one critisism is the use of profanity in certain situations, especially the word "fuck". Don't misread that, I have no problem with profanity, I curse more than anyone that I know, and fuck is my favorite word, but there are times when profanity helps and times when it hurts. For example:

You wrote-- "Every single fucking day. | And it hurt so fucking much." ...
I think that-- "Every single day. | And it hurt so much." ...
Would be much more effective. Without the word "fucking" in there, these lines sound much deeper, and they make the following "fucks" more impacting.

The "fuck" that should really hit the reader hard is "Nothing is FUCKING alright". This "fuck" should stay, and by removing the two "fucks" before it, I think it will have a much better impact. Too much cursing can make a piece lose its dramatic value, which works in favor of comedic or satirical pieces, rants, etc., but for things on a more dramatic and serious level you have to chose your profanity so it has the most impact.

Thank you so much for that feedback because it gave me something concrete to fix rather than some abstract idea to conquer, and I've changed some of my wording in my original file. =)

Originally Posted by modified7

I'll just hope for you..........that it is a work of fiction, not a memoir. If you wanted to give insight into the thoughts that come to mind when one considers taking the plunge, you successfully took us there.
Glad you stayed around though........

Well if I hadn't then it wouldn't have been a very good memoir. lol.
CHAPTER ONE:
I want to die.

The end.

So I have good reason to live.

Originally Posted by quignov

Two different types of comments for you.
Thank you. Although we all feel depression slightly differently, we all feel depression the same. First, I want to add onto what F.G. said, i.e., "people have a reason to be unhappy". You spent alot of time explaining what it feels like to be unhappy. That was great. You explained it pretty well; what we go through when we are depressed, the "act" that we sometimes put on for others. However, in my opinion you still need some kind of a message in writing. Any kind of a message really. So, what is it that you are trying to say or convince others of? Is it that you are unhappy or is there more to it? I would try to think about this and see if you don't want to change anything.

On another note, if I am completely wrong, and that you are looking for somebody to understand you? or maybe to help you? I dont' know. It sounds like an "accidental" cry for help to me... I may be wrong though...

I do have a greater overall message and it gets dealt with in other chapters. It's difficult though to appreciate that if I only post one chapter of the entirety, so I'm going to post another chapter today... I think chapter one. =)

Originally Posted by quignov

Two different types of comments for you.
Thank you. Although we all feel depression slightly differently, we all feel depression the same. First, I want to add onto what F.G. said, i.e., "people have a reason to be unhappy". You spent alot of time explaining what it feels like to be unhappy. That was great. You explained it pretty well; what we go through when we are depressed, the "act" that we sometimes put on for others. However, in my opinion you still need some kind of a message in writing. Any kind of a message really. So, what is it that you are trying to say or convince others of? Is it that you are unhappy or is there more to it? I would try to think about this and see if you don't want to change anything.

On another note, if I am completely wrong, and that you are looking for somebody to understand you? or maybe to help you? I dont' know. It sounds like an "accidental" cry for help to me... I may be wrong though...

I do have a greater overall message and it gets dealt with in other chapters. It's difficult though to appreciate that if I only post one chapter of the entirety, so I'm going to post another chapter today... I think chapter one. =)