Thread: Some of my columns if anyone wanted to see!

Well, I've been here a month or two so I thought I'd post some of my weekly columns in case anyone wanted a peek. I've been doing this for five years, one a week, 500 words. They're by no means literary, just a 'slice of life' as the newspaper call it. I'll paste on here some of my recent ones as when I scanned and resized the actual columns the words were unreadable. However I've also added scans so you can get what they look like when they go into print. Enjoy - or not!




Louise Beech 02/01/07
Main Bit - 322 words

“Are you sure you don’t want to eat out as a family for your birthday?” I asked Conor. “Sure,” he said. “Completely?” I pestered like an annoying child. “Completely,” he said.
Yes, my son is 16 years wise this week and, quite understandably, doesn’t want to celebrate it with his near-death over-the-hill mother, slipper-wearing father or irritating little sister wearing a Belle dress and Darth Vadar head.
He’s an adult in some senses but just a teenager in others. Height-wise he’s been an adult since he was four. Discussion-wise he’s been a teenager since he could speak.
I’m not sure if old age has rendered me forgetful but the teenager years have not thus far caused quite the torture I expected. Greif yes. Exhaustion yes. Torture? Not totally.
I half expected to be leaving home to escape the madness of puberty - aged 36 with my belongings in a spotted kerchief. But I’m still here, by the skin of my senile teeth.
However those of you parents with children approaching 13 do not sleep peacefully in your unaware beds. (Actually do, because soon you won’t be.) Though not as bad as the horror stories I’d heard, being parent to an adolescent brings its unique moments.
I warn you – there’ll be arguments with them that you cannot understand let alone win. There’ll be days when your advice is greeted with a death stare. There’ll be nights when they are ten minutes late coming in and you have MI5 out looking for them.
But somewhere amidst this chaos you’ll find you love them like you never quite thought you could. Even if you can’t reach them to kiss anymore (and they’d bite you if you did) teenagers are an exciting, exhausting, eye-opening challenge.
Good luck with yours. And take care of them; they’re soft underneath you know. I’m off for a kip now in preparation for Katy turning 13 in just over six years…..

Extra Bit – 70 words

I sympathised with P Arnells letter last Tuesday. After eight years of trying she had received nothing from the CSA. It took me that long to receive payments for my son, and I had to fight long and hard. I feel for her, other mothers and the fathers who are let down by the system. Even now my payments are irregular. God only knows whether the ‘new’ CSA will work.

Louise Beech - 12/11/06
Main Bit – 321 words

The tireless assistant in Heron kindly informed me as I purchased my pack of Penguin biscuits that they were on offer, two for a pound, instead of one for 59pence. Now while this was a tempting proposition I declined.
“If I buy more they’ll just eat more,” I said, “therefore it’s not saving me any money.”
She nodded knowingly.
“It’s true,” she sighed. “Nothing lasts more than two days when you’ve kids.”
These post-modern offers on food like buy-two-get-the-third-free or 50% extra for the price of 75% are not only designed to baffle us but to tempt us. And mainly to fool us into thinking that what we buy will actually go further. That we’re saving money.
As a parent I assure you it doesn’t and we are not.
It’s very simple. You buy more, they eat more.
The other week in Morrison’s we bought a pack of crisps the size of Princes Quay because they were on special offer.
“And you lot are not scoffing them all in three days,” I said to my dear husband Joe who also had his eye on twenty cans of Fosters for the price of a potato. “I’m going to hide half so they last longer.”
I was so pleased with my ingenious money-saving plan. For about three hours.
Naturally they found them. I suppose the cupboard only two away from the actual crisp cupboard is not the most genius hiding place. And my stockpile diminished before my naive eyes.
So do not be fooled into a contented feeling of abundance when you stock up on your freebies. Kids (and husbands) are scavengers. You hide food, they find it. You ration it, they plead in desperation.
The strange thing is that when you buy an abundance of apples or oranges and display them in an enticing bowl on the sideboard no one is quite as excited.
Now maybe if I hide half of them……..

Extra Bit – 70 words

If all you stressed out mums would like a breather from the parental rat race Home Farm, Hessle are having a Christmas Fayre on 21st November, starting at 7pm. There’s a Fashion Show hosted by Crave Boutique so if that doesn’t tempt you what will? Oh the 10% off food after 6pm may if you’re a glutton like me. Tickets are only £5, so call 645285.

I just read the first one--but I like. Truth veiled behind light comedy (or maybe light comedy veiled behind truth, depends on where you place the emphasis, I guess :p). Either case, entertaining . Good Shtuff.

sexy

Hey Loulou,.

Loved your writing style, you kept me from begining to end.
I have an almost 9 year old in nano human years, 18 in Girl years.
I also have a 6 year old who still cuddles and thinks riding her bike is marvellous, if you are stock piling vallium please keep some for 2013 for me,.

Lorlie

I like them. Very easy to read, no loss of concentration/interest from start to end. The humour is good, and both finish with a joke.

Is this the right place to point out problems? In the first one "greif", and in the extra bit, there seems to be an apostrophe missing from "Arnells". In the second one, the phrase "the cupboard only two away" sounds a little strange and "the most genius hiding place" doesn't sound right. Hope it's okay to make these comments, even though they might be a little picky.

Can I join in with the teenage stuff. Got one approaching thirteen. She's been a teenager for a few years now and the arguments are good. We keep telling her the sky is indeed blue when she argues differently to us, and then she does by telling it's actually grey at the moment. Groan.

Anyway, good stuff Loulou. You tell it like it is!

Originally Posted by Cornish Maid

Can I join in with the teenage stuff. Got one approaching thirteen. She's been a teenager for a few years now and the arguments are good. We keep telling her the sky is indeed blue when she argues differently to us, and then she does by telling it's actually grey at the moment. Groan.

Anyway, good stuff Loulou. You tell it like it is!

Oh they're clever okay Cornish, my son just blows my mind. He could argue that black was white and you'd end up questioning not only your sanity but if pale indeed is dark????
Thanks for feedback!

Hey Hideaway, thanks for feedback and thanks to a great editor my slip-ups don't make it into the newspaper!