Thread: Shoot First, Live Free [May contain some potentially offensive language]

The not-so-secret agenda of the state and its apologists is clear: Disarm peaceful citizens to render them powerless. Turn law-abiding Americans in to criminals with the stroke of a legislative pen…If people refuse to surrender or destroy their weapons, they will be dealt with by heavily armed police; they will be imprisoned, fined, perhaps even shot if they try to defend their constitutional –nay, their human—rights.
--The Company of Freemen

Above and beyond the smell of greenish hot dogs and weeks-old chili whiffles the meaty, waxy smell of men. Mountain men, desert men, motorcycle men. Grizzled, sun baked, lizard-skinned men. Bushy sideburns, greasy cowlicks. Pursed, wormy lips. Unbuttoned flannel shirts. Hunting vests. Wheelbarrow guts slung over rawhide belts and denim jeans. The sworn enemies of wimp culture. Men with gonads the size of Olympic shot puts. Men with dicks hard enough to chop wood. Men whose farts could start forest fires. Barrel-chested, tobacco-spitting, bitch humping MEN.

The men mill around in a cavernous airplane hangar painted white. A stray wife or two tags along, followed by buck-toothed, straw-haired children. Together the families learn how to make guns; how to dismantle them after they’ve made them; how to clean and oil them; how to make bullets; and how to recycle the shells and casings after they’ve fired them.

A tall blond man from Utah is selling frozen meat. A gabby Oklahoman demonstrates antique pistols. His left thumb is missing its top joint. It was blown off during a shooting accident. Another vendor stands magisterially behind a Tommy Gun, which is ensconced, shrine like in a padded guitar case. A man and his son silently scrutinize it. “Alright,” says the father to the vendor after several moments of wordless reverence, “Let me touch it.”

We’re at a gun show, and these mon ami, are the gunfolk. Who are they? People who enjoy such things as the soul-tickling sight of a father and son cleaning their rifles together, the tender image of a mother and daughter cooking up homemade ammo like so many Christmas cookies; and the soft-hued scene of a wheelchair-bound boy taking potshots at waterfowl. They are patriots. Freedom-lovers. Constitutionalists. Pioneers. Honest and upright, valorous and gallant. True Americans.

But the gunfolk are worried. They’re being painted into a corner. One by one, like clothes from a stripper, their rights are being removed. The gun grabbers are coming.

They’re coming to disarm the gunfolk. Ban on semi-automatics and Saturday night specials were just the beginning. Now Big Brother gets a mandatory waiting period for all gun purchases. There are currently over a hundred bills in Congress which aim to curtail gun rights. With each creeping measure, law abiding gunfolk become felons.

Why is the government doing this? Because, the gunfolk will tell you, they’re commie sons-of-bitches. Just like all commies, they want to render us as docile as bunny rabbits on Valium. “Register all firearms, under any pretense,” reads the Communist Rules for Revolution, “as a prelude to confiscating them.” Pinko rats love to swipe your guns. The planet’s most repressive regimes, such as those in China, El Salvador, and Nicaragua, forbid their minions from arming themselves. Those who disobey have to stare down a firing squad. “If the opposition disarms,” wrote Joseph Stalin, “well and good, if it refuses to disarm, we shall disarm it ourselves.” As the year 2007 approaches, the neo-Bolsheviks are gunning for our guns. Along with high taxes and a corrupt banking system, it’s all part of THE CONSPIRACY.

“We’re marchin’ off to the gulags,” sighs a bearded elfin gun peddler. “See, what they did—nobody really wanted to stand up for the gun laws. Very apathetic, people are. They’d sell us out for twenty pieces of silver. That’s a shame.” His voice is high pitched, like a power saw chewing through a stubborn log. Though he travels with the show, he lives in Kentucky—let us call him Colonel Sanders. He sits behind a weather-beaten table upon which are spread rusting gun parts and an 84mm rocket launcher which can blow a hole through eighteen inches of titanium steel.

“I hate being out here in these liberal states,” he grouses. “I don’t know what’s gonna happen to this country. People are just standing in line, getting ready to go to the gulags. The government today wants to come into you bedroom really bad. They’re never gonna give up until they get in there, unfortunately.”

Gunfolk despise the government far more than any coffeehouse lefty does. Gunfolk inhabit the far, far right, the intergalactic right. They realize that the government assumed power with GUNS. They know that the government maintains power with a billion GUNS pointed at our heads. When the government comes to disarm us, they’ll use GUNS to do it. Gunfolk understand that when guns are outlawed, it won’t only be outlaws who have guns—the lawmakers will still have them, too.

Proponents of gun control, known to the gunfolk as the ANTIS, never question the government’s right to own guns. They say common citizens shouldn’t be privy to massive firepower because somebody could get hurt, but they don’t acknowledge that the world’s governments have always been the Fortune 500 of mass murder. The antis see government as boundlessly benevolent, much as a suckling child cozies up to its mother’s sagging teats.

Poppycock, say the gunfolk. Hogwash. Flapdoodle. Politicians are the biggest gang in town, the bookies in a monstrous extortion racket. Big Brother gorges himself on our tax dollars like a mosquito on blood. But the gunfolk ain’t havin’ it. They call them selves “freemen,” unbeholden to parasitical slave-drivers. They hold an iron conviction that there are fates worse than death, among them living without your tail between you legs. They know that without tax resisters and superior firepower, there wouldn’t be an America.

“Anyplace you can’t own a machine gun, you’re livin’ in Nazi country,” says Colonel Sanders. I like this hick little motherfucker. He seems straight-up. I’d trust him with my back turned, which is more than I can say for most people. “Yeah, I’m afraid that humanity’s never gonna change,” he says, his hairy fist resting on his knee. “That ain’t gonna change. What you gotta do is you gotta put distance between yourself and that herd of people… I’m telling’ you something’—you got to get out of here. There’re closing’ in on ya. You got to go to Kentucky…Right now; you can get anything you want there. Yeah, you can get full-auto. Gasoline is only $1.90 a gallon. Cigarettes are twenty bucks a carton. You can buy a two-hundred-thousand-dollar house for one-hundred-thousand….It’s just a different lifestyle. You can see the horizon.”

A listener nods his assent. He calls the constitution state “the people’s Republic of Connecticut.”

Colonel Sanders agrees. “This here is unbelievable,” he says shaking his head. “You stand here from this position, you don’t see one gun. It’s baloney. You might as well go to a flea market—there’s T-shirts over there. You can go to a gun show in the south, and that’s all it is –GUNS. Unbelievable. I gotta be free. Can’t live like this.”

The THREAT is everywhere, even at gun shows. It takes men of steel to resist the stomping onslaught on limp-wristed, gun-burning, subhuman offal. So with teeth gritted and abdomens knurled, the gunfolk are ready to FIGHT….

This is just a first installment on guns there is more to come. Hope you enjoyed.

I had to grin at some of the content of this, many a documentary is made and shown on UK tv of the gun culture in the US, and every time I see one my brain goes numb.

You cannot ask the blind to enjoy the view.

Oh my god.... *gasps for air* i laughed sooooo hard after that first paragraph. This is a great piece. I need to print it out. It makes me hurt with mirth. Aww... god bless the (dare I use it?) rednecks? LOL! This is so funny. Oh man, I can't wait for more! Keep writing!

"They’re being painted into a corner. One by one, like clothes from a stripper, their rights are being removed."

That sentence is magic in the forest. *laughs and wipes away tears* My co-workers want to know what the hell is going on in my cube. Muaahahaha!!

The imagery all throughout this piece is masterful. I've actually been to a gun show in Washington state and so I got to see these "freemen." Oh man... it's good stuff. Sorry, I'll stop ranting now. *continues chuckling*

I don't know why "neo-Bolsheviks" are in favour of universally arming civilians (note: this is post-revolution), contrary to what your essay states. I can understand the logic of citizens owning firearms, but in my view there are two simple solutions to the so called "gun question":
1. Outright ban guns,
2. Arm a well-educated populace and teach them how to utilise firearms responsibly.

In Stalinist tradition (and its superior revisionist interpretation), I am strongly in favour of option one: banning all firearms unequivocally. Yet, formal neo-Bolsheviks, unlike the fictitious ones you seem to allude to in your research(?)(*), abandon this clearly positive aspect of Twentieth Century radical socialist tradition and call for free firearms for the public – something more in accordance with capitalist American policies rather than the Marxist-Leninist models of the C20. However, capitalist regimes have also used such an approach to prevent revolution – such as neo-Tsarist Putin's Russia.

Remember, in spite of all its flaws, socialist regimes are effective in eliminating gun crime. This has been achieved by two ways: one installing strict gun control, and two (which is very important in both our arguments) positive memetics in society. Together they make for a safer world, regardless of what you think of the people who installed these laws (i.e.: they are undemocratic, collectivist regimes). However, as is by now apparent by two of my previous statements, I agree that the comrades and citizens can all learn for how to use firearms sensibly and responsibly through healthy memetics (instead of the negative capitalist ones that doktorcrash speaks of – i.e.: the so called "gun culture”), then I will accept social armourment.
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* The people you refer to in your research are actually moronic liberals, and far from the radical "neo-Bolsheviks" you speak of. For starters New Bolsheviks as I said disobey Stalin and are pro-personal firearm, while liberals remain anti-gun; one of few liberal ideals I agree with incidentally, and even that's only partly.
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Thanks Red that is a great idea for the next installment of this Liberals/Media what a wonderful suggestion. You make we want to type. Or even the ANTIS that would be a good direction to. So much to choose from and so little time in the day to write.
Oh and thanks for the new nickname I love it I will use it as my signature from now on. I just wish I could figure out how to change my SN but I am still not that computer savvy.

Thanks for being so informative Red. I found that part really interesting.

And yes Doktor (or should I say, Resident Troll?) I think the name is befitting. Catchy even. I still liked this piece for the satirical content.

Guns are an great part of being an american. Don't forget to check out the next chapters to come.