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Rich Powerful People Need Your Help!
The following is a rough draft version of my humor column for next school year, any advice would be cool.
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Like the ticking of the clock or the eventual release of another dumb movie based on a ‘70s TV show there are certain things that you just can’t avoid.
No matter how good someone may be, there is always the chance they could fall. Superman died, Lance Armstrong stopped getting cancer after twice and even “American Pie” sounds dumb when Madonna sings it. Even an elite Web-warrior such as myself can’t maintain a perfect record forever. It finally happened today. I got the Nigerian Financial Prime Minister E-mail.
Well not exactly. My e-mail came from a Mr. Ahmed Moustapha, the son of a fallen rebel leader from Sierra Leone who needs as much help, both financially and with spelling, as any Nigerian Financial Prime Minister.
For those of you who think that only check your e-mail when their secretary does it for you there is apparently as economic disaster that started in Nigeria and is spreading across the globe that causes high ranking government officials and royalty to be losing all of their assets and only one person can save them.
I don’t mean to sound cocky, but that person is me.
They must have heard about my shrewd monetary sense from the Kool-Aide stand I ran in my youth which, after expenses (i.e. sugar, flavor packets and replacing the shirts I spilled all over), racked in a grand total of $1.27, mostly in nickels.
It has been my most successful financial venture to date.
Being that right now my major source of income in fishing for change in fountains while mall security isn’t looking, I couldn’t lend any money to my friend Mr. Moustapha. Fortunately for him, that’s not what he needs.
What is being asked of me is to let him put the massive amounts of money he does have into my account, while he becomes a citizen of the U.S. Once that happens, I will help him invest his money, while keeping 10 percent for myself.
This arrangement sounds like it should work out great for everybody, especially me, because it would mean that I wouldn’t have to eat Ramen Noodles for breakfast anymore. I’m just not sure yet.
I hate to rob myself of this great opportunity; I just wouldn’t feel right taking that much money for doing something that I would surely do horribly wrong.
To be entirely honest with you Ahmed, I didn’t acquire my collection of TV’s and computer monitors because I’m good with money. I got those babies because I’m good at getting in and out of dumpsters at night.
With the exception of lending my friend $10 so that he could do research for his door-to-door taco business, I’ve never successfully invested in anything. Everything else, from the collector’s edition PEZ dispensers to my own future has turned out to be a big waste of money.
So I’m sorry Mr. Moustapha, you’ll just have to find some one else to get rich simply by given you their bank account number. I’m just not qualified to help you out.
I feel bad though, I’ll tell you what. When you do get your citizenship, give me a call, will hang out. I can do all kinds of yard work; I’ll help you fix your safe house.
Since if you do end up completely bankrupt, I will feel responsible, I have a plan to make sure you have still have money to eat. I’m starting up a new business, the details of which I’m not at liberty to discuss, that I’m sure will make millions. If you send me your bank account number, the one with the $37 million in it, I’ll be sure to wire you what you need.
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Cut me some slack. I just found out that only I can prevent forest fires and that's a lot of pressure.
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