lisajane

While watching the Eurovision semi-finals, I decided to write my commentaries for each country's submission. Not to be taken seriously, no offence meant... Those who watched it, I might be digging up bad memories...

The Eurovision Semis Commentary

Austria - No. Her breasts are falling out of her dress, which is a positive thing for the men voting, which in turn, gives Austria votes. However, they're dressed straight out of the Sound of Music. Good for Austria, Bad for the rest of Europe.

Lithuania - 50/50. I don't remember them much at all, which says a lot.

Portugal - They sang in English! For once! However, singing in English hasn't increased their chances much at all, because Portugal still won't exist in Eurovision's lifetime.

Moldova - They're a new country in Eurovision this year. They're the 70s and the Moldovian equivalant of Good Charlotte. However, they had Ukraine's or Moldovia's grandmother on stage with the band playing a big drum, so they'll get votes.

Latvia - Zzzz. Two guys, boring voices, two acoustic guitars. Halfway through, they began singing with sign language. To top it off, their band in Latvia is called Chicken Run.

Monaco - Gorgeous girl, amazing dress, incredible voice and song. But they're not singing in English, which, however, appears not to be such a big deal this year, so maybe she'll do alright. She sung in French, but she can speak English, with 'Thank you so much'.

Israel - Once again, gorgeous girl, amazing dress, incredible voice and song. Singing in a mix of Israeli and English. Her breasts are once again falling out of her dress, so once again, the men’s hands are in their pants.

Belarus - She looks like she’s a stripper in a Mardi Gras ballerina music box shown in the 1997 animated movie, Anastasia. Enough said.

Netherlands - Pretty song, pretty women, Netherland’s physical answer to Iman (with afro). However, with her dress and song, it’s more suited to the opening ceremony of the Olympics, hosted in Amsterdam.

Iceland - Fire, baby! Meow! Pop equivalent of Ruslana, with a tanned Nicole Kidman singing. My vote.

Belgium - A Portuguese version of Belgium’s answer to the artist formerly known as Prince, but singing classically in French. Dresses pretty well, but then again, most men in Eurovision do. Really good voice and will receive votes by France and Portugal.

Estonia - The Estonian girls on The OC crossed with the Spice Girls crossed with Hi-5. Girl power to the vomitation max, and I’m female.

Norway - The band is called Wig Wam. Glitter rock from the 70s, with a man a mixture of Marilyn Manson, Gene Simmons and Bon Jovi (looks like the first two, performs like the last one), wearing Jareth-tight pants. Hot guy, fabulous voice, the entire performance is so different to the others. My vote is now for both Iceland and Norway.

Romania - Good pop song. I wonder if it’s a good or bad thing that that’s all I can say for Romania.

Hungary - Irish dancing mixed in with rock mixed in with some national dance that I’ve never heard of. While singing in Hungarian, they’re printed a page out of Ruslana’s book but using less toner and ink. Hot woman, though.

Finland - He looks relatively old in comparison to the other contestants, maybe in his 40s. Peace, doves, pearly gates… oh wait, Finland’s colours are blue and white, never mind.

F.Y.R Macedonia - Oh, the girls who appear to be F.Y.R Macedonia’s answers to Holly Valance aren’t the singers, they’re just masturbating on stage. ‘I am the boy who will break up with you to be free’ – well, he’s got 100% of the men’s votes, but 0% of the women’s. He’s wearing a pink denim jacket. He.

Andorra - A tribal African dance sung in Andorra’s national language. Her being blonde would fit right in with the ‘Middle Eastern’ blonde airline flight attendants on Emirates… *mind goes wandering off* She’s Dutch = votes from Netherlands.

Switzerland - A singing, Swiss version of Bond, with dress and lyrics like a rock, all girl version of ABBA. My vote now officially goes three ways – they’re extremely good singers, especially for those singing in English. But they’re actually Estonian (they had Celine Dion and won in 1988 – Switzerland, not Estonia).

Croatia - Singing in Croatian, he looks like he’s waiting for his run-away bride (ironically, the only words I can make out are ‘Marry Me’). The song keeps trying to reach a climax, doesn’t quite succeed, but they’re quite good.

Bulgaria - Also a new entry for Eurovision this year. In English, he’s a jazz version of George Michael with some Michael Buble thrown in. I’m sure this ‘Lorraine’ woman feels special, but if he was singing ‘Lisa’, I’d be vomiting.

Ireland - A rock brother-and-sister duo. She’s fantastic – so much so that she drowns out his voice. He spends too much time playing Quake and Doom. There’s Irish dancing obviously and they’re actually quite good, but my vote remains in thirds.

Slovenia - If Robbie Williams is in the military, he’s actually representing Slovenia and singing in some Baltic language. He’s pretty good. The song could be sung in Japanese and used in an anime.

Denmark - He’s wearing a bright fuchsia shirt – and lavender lipstick? He and his back-up singers are clones of the Backstreet Boys. He’s a teacher and it shows and on an unrelated topic, Jarvis Cocker currently lives in Denmark, according to the host on SBS.

And finally:

Poland – Bright peach and white. Suits them, with him looking like the guy from Strictly Ballroom. The girls are performing some Spanish dance yet they’re singing in Polish.

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'Beauty stands and waits with gravity to start her death-defying leap. And he, a little charleychaplin man, who may or may not catch her fair eternal form spreadeagled in the empty air of existence.' - Laurence Felinghetti, 'The Acrobat'