Destroy Something Beautiful // PG 17 + - Writers Forum

ido · 12-30-2003, 01:34 AM

Have you ever had the feeling that you want to destroy something beautiful?
To dissolve something from all its purity to strip it down to the raw flesh and the basic skin texture. To make the thing that seems so holy so pure so innocent, Make it surrender its holiness to sin and lust. To make that beautiful thing you lay next too in bed scream in frustration between pleasure and pain. I have achieved this with my Daphne, she lets me make her sinful.
But maybe it is all just a play she hold for me because of my love for things that are innocent and pure... and my love to destroy them.Or maybe its her love for sinful things like me, maybe both.

When I’m with her, I imagine us in a great chapel with sounds of a choir in the background and the crucified body of Jesus hanging. The church’s stools are empty.

She is kneeling under the body of Christ, My angel, Daphne. Her wings are closed and close to her body protecting her, angel wings. Hands hold in prayer that this time it wouldn’t happen her eyes, deep brown, the kind of brown god intended for the earth to be when he first created it, pure. A Wind blows by in the chapel she opens her wings and turns around head bowed down hands dropped at each side of her body in a kind of desperation. A single tear falls to the floor...

In steps me with wings black as the night, veins showing through them. So much in contrast to her white clean wings.As I step into the church the foundations start to quake. I step in again and the stools of the church’s rush to either side of the walls, now there’s a clear path between my Daphne and me.

Daphne is furious. She clenches her fists, and looks up towards me knowing I am the reason. I am the one who makes her sin, hating me. Her eyes burning, burning the brown which lay so peacefully before I stepped in her church.

I look back at her with my blue eyes trying to quench the fire that burns her beautiful earth eyes with my deep ocean ones. But the fire doesn’t let go .We run toward each other’s hands open, wings open, eyes open…

// im not sure its the end but i just wanted opinions
corret me where ever you can please. //

die_daily · 12-31-2003, 06:30 PM

You know, I'm going to be honest. I didn't particularly care for this piece because it seemed like you repeated certain things to the point that it made the entire thing seem cheesy. Like sin, for example. There are so many ways to say that something is blasphemous, or naughty, or dirty, or "sinful", without ever actually mentioning sin. It's probably better that you don't, now that I think about it, because every teenage angst-ridden poet wannabe makes good use of the word. "Pure" is another one. Show me how something is pure, rather than tell me it is.

Quote:

In steps me with wings black as the night, veins showing through them. So much in contrast to her white clean wings.As I step into the church the foundations start to quake. I step in again and the stools of the church’s rush to either side of the walls, now there’s a clear path between my Daphne and me.

Man, this is just corny. The writing, I mean. I like the idea and all, but the writing just killed it for me.

Oh, and those things in Churches that people sit on are called pews.

The narrator seemes a little too self-centered for my taste. Almost every line has "I, me, my, mine" or whatever in it. And the blurb at the start about wanting to destroy beautiful things is too superfluous to have any real impact.

And, I think this might be better placed in the FICTION thread.

Solaris · 01-03-2004, 05:45 AM

=====
"Have you ever had the feeling that you wanted to destroy something beautiful?

Dissolve it with your tongue, stripping it down to the raw flesh and basic skin texture, all it has, making it surrender.

To make beauty, scream.

But maybe it is all just a play held for me because of my love for things that are good, and my willingness to destroy them. Or maybe its her love, that destroys me.

When I’m with her, I imagine us in a great chapel with sounds of a choir in the background and the crucified body of Jesus hanging. The church is empty.

She is kneeling under the body of Christ, crucified, knowing I am the reason. I am the one who makes her sin, hating me. Her eyes burning, burning the brown which lay so peacefully before I stepped in her church.

I look back at her with my blue eyes trying to quench the fire that burns her beautiful earth eyes with my deep ocean ones. But the fire doesn’t let go. We run toward each other’s hands open, wings open, eyes open…and die."
----------------------------------------------

I think the work has hope. It talks to people. But I think you should try making it look more beautiful.

Lord Archimage Nykimbur · 01-03-2004, 08:58 AM

Nice fetish