Why are you so irreverent when you look at me? This is all my fault, I know, I know. My ubiquitous depression is a tick buried deep inside, through my skin and my flesh, lodged somewhere deep, deep, deep inside of me. It is spreading disease throughout my body. Hah, maybe soon I will be dead? I never dreamed I would end up this way. Phillips was supposed to be a starting point for us, and yet it has turned into a twisted finale. Where did we go wrong?
Tears flow down my face, as I sit in my room moping, thinking of all the opportunities I’m never going to be able to take advantage of. The mistakes that I’ve made could fill a series longer than “War and Peace”, and all of this dirt, why god I could cover the earth with it. Now I know why you are so disappointed in me. Is this why? But love, why are you so… knavish?
Human cruelty never fails to amuse me. I too find it inside myself sometimes , and I wish it weren’t there. How can I be a good, moral person when I have all this ugliness inside of me? Regardless, the world goes on oblivious to my thoughts and feelings. And I don’t think they care, but these tears, this pain and regret still flows freely through my arteries, until it clogs my veins and distills my lifeless blood, until it is no longer blood at all, but salty poison that rots my flesh, skin, and bones. Can’t you see it? Can’t you feel it?
I cried when I woke up today. I wanted to leave here, I wanted to run away, jump on a train and see how far it took me. Or maybe I’ll fly, and when I spread my majestic, pearly wings, everyone will see that I’m finally free! I think I’d like that. So I’ll fly past New York, past Pennsylvania, past Washington, till everyone’s caught a glimpse! I think I’ll go all the way to the edge of the Atlantic. There I’ll fold back my beauty, retract my wings, and spread my great arms and fingers till they reach a hundred miles in each direction. I’ll swim, with all the vigor and anger I have inside of me, down to the bottom of the sea and to the edge of the world. I’ll swim until everyone has forgotten about me, and then I’ll return a hundred years later, without any youth but the youth of new found glory. Oh how I’m going to love the day that you finally see me again! Free and happy, and tanned and beautiful!
Things always get better after days like these. But the issues never go away. They never do…I bury things pretty fucking deep you know? And goddamnit, today they pushed out! I’m happy for them, my feelings, they got some fresh air, you know? But back in they go, gently now… Maybe tomorrow I won’t feel regret. Maybe by Friday I will forget that I was ever lonely. By Sunday I think I’ll don a little smile. My soul is being torn from my spine. It’s being pushed to the hilt, how much more can it take? I’m glad it has stuck with me thus far, but the time is coming, I can feel it, I can feel it goddamnit! My soul is leaving me. Quick give it CPR, give it a transfusion! It’s dead, it’s dead, oh fucking hell we’ve lost it!
Oh I'm gonna buy this place and start a fire
Stand here until I fill all your heart's desires
Because I'm gonna buy this place and see it burn
And do back the things they did to you in return
Said I'm gonna buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
Oh I'm gonna buy this place is what I said
Blame it upon a rush of blood to head
Honey, all the movements we're starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I made
See it all disappear without a trace
And they call as they beckon you on
They say start as you mean to go on
- Coldplay
Tell me what you think! I'd love to turn this into a book or a long essay. I'm 17 and in a desperate pit, Phillips Academy Andover. Writing this was an escape today. It's is very personal to me, but feel free to rip it apart
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