Thread: We can be Hero's

We can be Hero's.


I think all along the way in the highway of life we want, we need, we desire to become someone's hero. Someone's knight in shinning armor. Sadly most of the time we tumble for what ever reason and only turn out to be something less then a hero. In prison it was so easy. By saying that I mean you knew what to expect. Violence begot violence. Niceness was taken as a sign of weakness or you wanted something. The highway had no on ramps nor exits, no caution signs. What was strange was while I waited for my release in those last few months I become an outsider. Fellow inmates didn't talk to me the same, I didn't count anymore. I wasn't one of them. I was a traitor, a sell out. I was told by some of the "old schools" that, that would happen. For the most part my fellow inmates were happy for me (on the outside), but hated me on the inside. Then the guilt started to set in that I was leaving them behind. For the most part those I left behind deserved to be left behind. I still think of my brothers almost daily. I still think of the over 3600 days and nights I spent inside. The violence, the ugliness, the racism, the sexual assaults, and then at times the friendship of another who has nothing to live for. Knowing they will never see the light of day, yet wished me well. All I wanted was to be a hero to someone. One day I hope to find him and I miss him.

Hi Philip,

It's a good start, I liked your metaphor about the highway and I feel like if you wanted to expand this (and it would be great if you did), you could bring that through more regularly.

A few more nits:

Hero's- Possessive form, as in, 'This is the hero's story'.
Heroes- Plural form, as in, 'This is a story about heroes.'

Shinning- should be shining

'something less then a hero'- should be less 'than' a hero

that, that would happen. - you don't need the comma here, in fact, you don't really need the second 'that', I think the sentence works without it.

One day I hope to find him and I miss him - is this about someone specific?

Sorry to be the first to nit-pick, I know it can be annoying when you've put care into your work- the good news is that these are easy things to fix and the longer you hang around here, the less there will be to fix.

I liked the sentiment behind your piece and as I said previously, I think your experiences are extremely interesting. What I would have liked to have read here would have been more detail about some of the things you mention, like the 'old timers'- who are they, was there one in particular that you can tell us about? Was there a specific moment when you realised that you had become an outsider? I'm asking out of genuine curiosity that the above graph has piqued.

These are the details that will make your stories, and eventually your book, unique.

Philip - beyond stating that I agree with BabaYaga, and noting that an entire discussion could be devoted to punctuation choices and placements, some of the phrases deserve rethinking.

Originally Posted by Philip Smith

We can be Hero's.
I think all along the way in the highway of life we want, we need, we desire to become someone's hero. Someone's knight in shinning armor. Sadly most of the time we tumble for what ever reason and only turn out to be something less then a hero.

In prison it was so easy. By saying that I mean you knew what to expect. Violence begot violence. Niceness was taken as a sign of weakness or you wanted something. The highway had no on ramps nor exits, no caution signs.

What was strange was while I waited for my release in those last few months I become an outsider. Fellow inmates didn't talk to me the same, I didn't count anymore. I wasn't one of them. I was a traitor, a sell out. I was told by some of the "old schools" that, that would happen. For the most part my fellow inmates were happy for me (on the outside), but hated me on the inside.

Then the guilt started to set in that I was leaving them behind. For the most part those I left behind deserved to be left behind.

I still think of my brothers almost daily. I still think of the over 3600 days and nights I spent inside. The violence, the ugliness, the racism, the sexual assaults, and then at times the friendship of another who has nothing to live for. Knowing they will never see the light of day, yet wished me well.

All I wanted was to be a hero to someone. One day I hope to find him and I miss him.

What was strange was - A wordy way to say strangely; although even that bit of telling is not necessary - it would only be strange to someone who hasn't experienced it, and therefore the entire experience is strange.

For the most part - A wordy way to say mostly; and mostly why it deserves rethinking is because you use it twice within three sentences.

on the outside ... on the inside - because these phrases can also refer to someone's relationship to prison, you might want to take the opportunity to illustrate the contrast; the way someone's eyes give lie to the friendly words, or how conversations stop or change when you approach.

started to set in - in almost every circumstance, this is a tautology: saying the same thing twice; exceptions occur when describing jelly or cement.

One day I hope to find him and I miss him.- this is a very important line, but is unclear whether the "him" is the hero of the previous sentence, or the friendly voice of the sentence before, or somebody else altogether.

This is great. All of you have helped a great deal and I can see through your eyes that my work needs more work. Thanks