Thread: opinion on article needed.

If this isnt the way it should be done and i'm posting in the wrong section (i dont think i am) I applogize ahead of time. I want feed back on the article i *just typed* so it's a bit rough. it's long so i'm going to keep this message short (plus i'm almost late for class). I do not want to put out something online for the world to see especially if my name is on it when is has no business out there. so before i post it I want opinions here. if this is not how it ususally done please let me know so i won't do it again. here it is:

Children are our future and it is a parent’s responsibility to teach them from right and wrong and raise them properly to become independent, strong and respectable adults and hope they will do the same with their kids when the time comes. When they are babies it is precious moments most parents wish could last a life time. They are always there and protected under your arms away from anything and anyone that might cause them harm. But those days do not last very long and they grow up to be toddlers and in no time they are entering school and they cannot be under your protection all the time. You can only hope that when they venture out into a new place without you, they will be surrounded with children that are like them; however, that is not always the case.
Children of different backgrounds are raised and taught differently. Some do not realize from right and wrong because they have never been corrected or have not been told enough for them to realize they should not act or do certain things. For example; remember the time when they were a baby and your precious of joy hit you for whatever reason and you thought it was cute? After all, they are just babies and they didn’t know any better, right? Well by not stopping them from hitting you they grow to think it is acceptable and a lot of times it will get them what they want. That is not sending a good message. This act can progress and become worse as they grow and it will no longer seem cute, and it could lead them into trouble as they grow older. However, this is not the only reason children behave as they do. They see what is going on in their surroundings, what is happening on television and they act accordingly.
There are two types of people; this includes children as well, they are people too right? The ones that makes friends easily and are often times out going; better known as extrovert’s and there are the reserved ones who does not just go out to other people, but stay to themselves sometimes; the introverts. Studies suggest that the introverts are most likely the targeted for bullying because they tend to themselves and may not have many friends. Why am I saying all of this you wonder? You already know all of these things. Well I’m saying it because many people do not think about these things often enough and are not doing anything about it. Bullying is a serious problem and it needs to be resolved. Children are afraid for their life, skipping school, becoming emotionally distressed and some have to go to extreme lengths and be transferred or home schooled to receive an education because they are being bullied. Many children are being bullied every day and in some cases it is so severe that young children are committing suicide. We all should take a stand against bullying and do what we can so children can feel safe and be children again without fear and so no more lives can be lost.

Edited: Link removed

First, I would suggest you read the article out loud to yourself. There are a lot of grammatical errors, including missing words, that you will likely find when you do so. Maybe have someone read it to you, as they might stumble where you are filling in the blanks.

Second, I would consider what your goal with this article is. Right now, it's pretty generic, and as you identify in the article the majority of the contents are general knowledge. You started to hook me back with "Why am I saying this?" because it was actually the question burning in my mind: why are you telling me all these things I already know? I was ready for something deep at that point, but the payout at the end (where I find out why you had me read all that) wasn't enough. It was still generic.

Do you have a personal experience about bullying you can share? Something that will resonate and make us sympathetic to your plea? At the very least you should introduce your true topic, bullying, closer to the start so readers have an idea of the context in which you want to discuss the issues of child raising. Indicating bullying is a problem that we can begin addressing at birth through proper parenting is a valid point, but you have to be careful not to lose your article in the deluge of similarly-themed writings. Make it direct, personal, and resonant and you'll do fine.

Kay

I am not quite sure why, but your piece brought Marble Arch in London to my mind. There is an area nearby known as Hyde Park Corner. Anyone can go there, stand on a soap box and shout out a message. The speaker might be filmed by the authorities on video but that doesn’t really matter because the noise of the traffic drowns out most of the words spoken. However all in all, the opportunity to rant helps to release the speaker’s passion, so maybe it can be a worthwhile effort.

Who is the targeted audience for this article? What is the purpose?

Bullying is one of those subjects in life which most people would rather not think about. Yes, undoubtedly child bullying goes on, but what do you expect Mr and Mrs Joe Public do about it?

Normally I would have read the first line or two of your work and then moved on. As has already been said there are grammatical and other literary issues to face with the writing but there is no message and no obviously targeted audience. It was a rant.

If you seek a worthwhile comment, then may I suggest that you think up a course of action which the reader might follow and then you re-write the whole article. If you have been affected by bullying then maybe writing about your own experiences would help bring some sympathy, some action and importantly some relief to you.

Dv

Unfortunately, kay, this reads like a content mill article, although with better spelling and grammar than most. It is generic, and takes way too long to get to the point: schoolyard bullying.

Bullying is a serious problem and it needs to be resolved.

That is your key statement, and should be your starting point. Now, you seem to want to focus on one aspect of bullying; that of school children being bullied by other school children. Case studies and summaries of this type of bullying behaviour are available for you to draw upon.

Why? Because you need to make your statement "real" to retain attention to the point you want to make. Why is bullying a serious problem for your reader? Are you standing up for victims of schoolyard bullying? Are you trying to impress the ongoing negative impact on families and the community? Have you thought of a way to resolve the problem, or are you just adding to the chorus of cries that it should be resolved?

Originally Posted by cran

unfortunately, kay, this reads like a content mill article, although with better spelling and grammar than most. It is generic, and takes way too long to get to the point: Schoolyard bullying.


That is your key statement, and should be your starting point. Now, you seem to want to focus on one aspect of bullying; that of school children being bullied by other school children. Case studies and summaries of this type of bullying behaviour are available for you to draw upon.

Why? Because you need to make your statement "real" to retain attention to the point you want to make. Why is bullying a serious problem for your reader? Are you standing up for victims of schoolyard bullying? Are you trying to impress the ongoing negative impact on families and the community? Have you thought of a way to resolve the problem, or are you just adding to the chorus of cries that it should be resolved?

seconded

Kay, your article at first presented me with a problem. You had asked very positively for a critique but as a writer we readers know little about you. As a regular contributor to the Non- Fiction forum I hesitated to reply in case I could justifiably be criticised for ’bullying’ a young writer. Yes, bullying comes in many forms.

Over my lifetime I remember only one bully from my school days and he died as a young adult from bone cancer. It could be said he got his due ’come uppance’. He was no friend of mine

May I suggest you address your article to parents. Ask the question as to whether they believe their child is being bullied. Describe the form in which acts of bullying might take. Think of the effect of bullying on a child. Appeal to the sense of injustice which lies within most adults. Ask whether the local school is a happy place or is it dominated by a few obnoxious and aggressive children. Ask if the teachers are doing their job to prevent bullying. Be blunt. Wrap up these questions in an article. You cannot present your case solely with a list of questions.

Use a hypothetical case to attract sympathy for the bullied child.. Relate your own experiences perhaps with a little embellishment as a provided by author’s licence.

If you want to stir up some positive action on the part of outsiders you will have to generate some fervour. You seek to arouse in the reader emotions such as: anger, pity, empathy, guilt.

Consider the impact of white slave traffic in Africa or even Eastern Europe.

However be aware that ’the meek shall inherit the Earth’ is a philosophy put about by the strong to keep the meek in their place.

Now Kay, this article, which was flung together whilst I was digesting my porridge, is controversial. I have deliberately rattled the bars of a few cages. Normally I would have hesitated to write in this style. But why don’t you try it otherwise you might just as well bang on a tambourine.

NOTE TO MEMBERS. Forgive me, the cause justified the response.

Echoing what some of the others have commented here; specifically Divus: Who is the targeted audience? What is the purpose?

I was three quarters through your article before I even knew what it was about. I'd recommend getting to the main point earlier and then breaking down the causes (via case studies, personal experience - as others have mentioned) and what people can do to either prevent bullying or identify it earlier or whatever your purpose may be.

A lot of things to say about this.

Rule number one of editorial writing: unless you're writing a humorous piece, never, ever, ever, ever address the audience directly. The "why am I telling you" bits are unnecessary. If the article is properly written, there should be no need to state the reason why the article was written. Get rid of "your" anywhere you see it.

If you mention "studies," you have to show citation of some sort. (e.g. "A study by the Purdue University shows...")

Most of all: evidence, evidence, evidence. People think all the time. The problem will never be that people don't think about bullying, it's that they don't understand the scope. So get statistics (from peer reviewed publications), get case studies, get references to other articles, and (if you're writing this for publication, I can't stress this enough) get the words directly from people's mouths. As a writer of an article, even if it is opinion, your job is to inform and persuade the reader. When a reader picks up an article by an author they do not know, they are going to look for the army behind the author's words.

Get an army of references, really understand what people think, really understand what you think, then write your article. If you do that, then the only revision you will need will have to do with grammar and organization.