What am I then if I am not who I say I am
I am the ring leader of my clan. They adore me because I am the big bad boy full of attitude. With my group of friends standing behind me, I put on a performance especially for them. They clap and cheer me on as if they are up for it. They are cheering for me because they don’t want to get on my bad side again, as each and every one of them had experienced my wrath. Every day I would select somebody who is weaker than me. I would look for other kids who stand out as prime targets for me to pick on.
The people I like to target would be quiet or shy. They would also be afraid to speak out and are always by themselves. I would even look for those that have speech problems. When I confront my target, I would start yelling at them. I would mock the way they dressed or spoke, then I would begin pushing and shoving them and knocking them to the ground. They are intimidated by my size and weight. While they are lying on the ground, I beat up on them again and again, crushing their spirit thus making them more submissive to me.
They crumble before me on their knees. I tell them what I think of them. They mean nothing to me. I am not interested in listening to their pleas for mercy. When I finish whipping them in the playground or the back yard, even outside in the street, they will remember me for a very long time. This is what I do for fun... well that’s what I tell everyone.
The truth is the same thing has happened to me when I was a child. Now that I have aged a little since then, I took all those beatings and all that pain, which I buried deep inside me. I transferred all my anger and all my fears onto my victims, making them feel the way I felt. Watching them suffer pleased me. It is exactly what I have experienced the first time I was picked on.
Looking back through my traumatic memories and reliving all those times, when I was picked on; I am overwhelmed by my fear. Oh my God! What have I done! If this is how I am feeling now after causing all that hurt and pain, to kids who were weaker than me; I can only imagine what they are feeling right now. I can only wonder what they must think of me as a person.
Instead of picking on these people and ruining their lives the way mine was ruined, I should have been standing up for them. In reality I should be protecting them from people like me. Now that I realize what I really am, I have to change my ways. I have to turn my life around so no one else gets hurt.