Thread: A travel story

Would love critique, opinion and ideas! No sugar coating, please.



Somewhere long past midnight, the water has receded several hundred feet into the Pacific. We stumble along, feet thudding on damp sand, having made no attempt to quiet our boisterous conversation or crooked walk. Looking South, Tamarindo sparkles white and yellow, asleep. The slight breeze and easy temperature are relaxing, liberating. More so after escaping the traveler-and-tico crowded karaoke bar an hour earlier. Looking West, the impossibly black ocean can not be distinguished from an impossibly black sky. Except for the dusty stars.

We brought two large bottles of coconut rum, though now we had closer to one and three quarters after this 2 minute walk from the hostel to la playa. These Canadians were pretty damn good at drinking.

“Do you guys think there are any crocodiles out here?” the Canadian asked, as we stepped into the water. It wasn’t a stupid question, at least not to us. We were warned not to go near the river outlet late at night. Apparently, younger and weaker crocodiles are pushed out by the current to where the ocean and river meet during low tide. Maybe that story had more to do with us being gringos. Who knows.

“I don’t think we are close enough.” my buddy, Nate, said as he handed off the bottle of rum to the cute Blonde Canadian wearing only a bra and thong that was just as black as the ocean.

“Sharks?” he followed.

“Probably", we joked as the bottles made their rounds, “I heard they hunt at night.”

After reaching mutual agreement that we were 100% certain to be swimming in shark infested waters (we weren’t) the jovial conversation faded in an out of this week’s plans, traveling horror stories, life plans, travel plans, drinking more of our coconut rum plans and, for better or worse, plans to swim further into the Pacific.

To ensure we would all venture onward and a bit brazen by beverage, the Other Canadian hurled an empty bottle at the horizon. Lumbering into darkness, the bottle rushes below the surface, and a hundred tiny, bright green orbs illuminate in the wake. Our eyes illuminated as well, as we watched the alien glow dissipate. Without hesitation and with a touch of organized chaos, we hurry into that fast, move your arms from side to side to side wade deeper into the Pacific. What else are you going to do when you find green, glowing water? We paused when we cause the bleak ocean to erupt in swarms of green globes. (no remaining rum was lost in the scurry)

“I’ve heard about these!” I said, “plankton or something. I think they are called bioluminescent, maybe? You just swirl the water around and they light up.”

I had actually heard of them before this night, too. I wasn‘t just making this up. A coworker at the outdoor shop I worked at in college had raved of the great experience it was to create these glowing whirlpools. “Special plankton!“ my coworker said, “You know, like lightning bugs underwater.”

Glowing whirlpools, green figure eights and radioactive splashes. This felt like something we should be doing inside the St. Louis Science Center on a Wednesday afternoon, not on the Costa Rican coast at whatever hour it happened to be. We had discovered a rare moment when it is warranted to use the word, amazing.

As the others returned to conversation, I lay on my back and do the monkey-airplane-soldier stroke away. My ears submerged, I only hear the undulation of the ocean. The glassy black water just past the tepid break makes it easy to see the varying shades of the bioluminescent plankton. Some growing brighter and others growing dimmer. The orbs whirl after each arm stroke then twist in the current and dance away, fading in color as they tail off.

The plankton imitate stars and in one long swoop of the arm they form as a galaxy. Making a plankton angel seemed like an excellent idea, and, well, it was. With swaying arms, green light swirls and saturates the water. Looking up at that impossibly black sky and those now crystal clear stars, I lose sense of where ocean and sky meet. Above or below; black and light. The ocean is gone and so is the sky. I had nothing else to see. Just blackness, stars and bioluminescent plankton. Time, in this moment, ceased and I am reminded why I journey.

Okay, Anthem. You asked for it. Here is my savagely brutal critique of your piece. Before you get your feelings hurt, just remember you said 'No sugar coating' so there won't be any.

There's no need for any. This is delightful. You paint the picture and add living people in it. The transition from the happy, slightly lubricated opening to the peace you describe at the end is natural, believable, and true to the workings of the real world and those of us who live in it.

Good show.

Overall, a nice story. You could get a job with James A. Fitzpatrick.

Somewhere long past midnight, the water has receded several hundred feet into the Pacific.

This is crazy. Are you saying the Pacific sits there with its eastern edge permanently somewhere off the coast? Try “receded several hundred feet westward.”

the cute Blonde Canadian wearing only a bra and thong that was just as black as the ocean

Which item of clothing is black? Is it the bra or the thong? If you meant only the thong, it should be expressed, “…only a bra, and a thong that was…”. If both bra and thong were black, it should be expressed, “only a bra and a thong that were each…”. And in either case, the word “just” is redundant.

As the others returned to conversation,

Returned to the conversation

I lay on my back and do the monkey-airplane-soldier stroke away. My ears submerged, I only hear the undulation of the ocean.

Apart from the two opening sentences, the story has been written in past tense. At the point quoted above, your intention is in parts unclear, due to possible misuse of the word “lay”. If you, for some reason known only to yourself, wish to suddenly change to present tense – changes like this plus the aforementioned opening sentences in any event being no-nos – the word is “lie”. If on the other hand you had no intention of changing tense, the word is “laid”. Then again, there are the words “do” and “hear” – both present tense. I give up.

Bioluminescence and bioluminescent both take a hyphen after “bio”.


Like I said, nice story.

Terrific descriptive scene! I was waiting for a poisonous jellyfish to get someone, or something equally shocking, but no surprise endings to the scene. So it's just descriptive, and well done for what it is. I liked it enough to say I look forward to your next effort.

Ox is mostly correct with his suggested edits, except for his imagined problem with "lay," which IS the past tense of "lie," so there was no reason for his grammar lesson there. He was correct though that you DID change tense with "Time, in this moment, ceased and I am reminded why I journey. " The word "am" is present tense, along with the few others Ox found. Just reword those parts... easy to fix. And I think he is too picky about "Returned to the conversation." I personally prefer it without "the," just as you had it.

I will add one that is not about a language rule, just content. Remove the parenthetical assurance in " ...we were 100% certain to be swimming in shark infested waters (we weren’t) the jovial conversation..." The reader knows that just by what's happening. Give us some credit, okay?

The tense issue has been mentioned already, but I actually barely noticed, though that's probably because I was lost in the descriptions. I love that the characters are so real and that the evening sounds so plausible yet so magical. Sometimes you just know when you've stumbled into a wonderful moment, and it makes it even more enjoyable to properly appreciate it at the time. I thought the ending was nicely rounded-off and the whole thing was joyful without being sugary. I loved it.

Thanks to everyone for the commentary!

Most of these critiques I will be employing. I was concerned with how the ending read as well and will be revisiting how I conclude this story. Additionally, the ending feels a bit abrupt to me at this point.


Did anyone else become confused with the opening line about the Pacific? I wanted to give some detail about the location without being overly specific. I intended the interpretation of that line to not be quite so literal, but I do fully understand how this could be confusing.


Again, thank you for the critique and compliments!

I should have taken more time to think through my comment about the Pacific. As a consequence of not doing this, I made a mess of it.

Having said that however, if "the water" recedes into the Pacific, then there is a first nonsense implication that the eastern edge of the Pacific is permanently situated at what is in fact only its low tide position, coupled with a second nonsense implication that "the water" is some other water.

Hope that helps.

Another thought: why not just say “Somewhere long past midnight, the Pacific (has/had) receded several hundred feet”?

Anthem, I love this piece, I'm an avid traveller and love scuba diving so I can relate to the scene and the way its described, in fact you describe it all very well and I enjoyed it. Beautifully done and I particularly love your description of the swimming stroke! Will read more and look forward to it.

Hello Anthem
It's a lovely story and I do like the comparison between the luminescent ocean and the starry sky. The parts in parentheses could be omitted. I also thought the "bit brazen by beverage" was a little forced and another phrase would fit better. The same applies to "paused when we cause". Also I didn't understand "tepid break". Altogether though, an engaging telling of a special night.

loved it & felt it

Originally Posted by CelticMist

Anthem, I love this piece, I'm an avid traveller and love scuba diving so I can relate to the scene and the way its described, in fact you describe it all very well and I enjoyed it. Beautifully done and I particularly love your description of the swimming stroke! Will read more and look forward to it.

Thanks for reading and the compliments! I am heading on another multi month journey to Central America in seven days, hopefully find some more inspiration on the road. Scuba diving is on the list, though this trip will be on a shoestring so not sure if it will be in the cards for me or not.

Originally Posted by Rusty Nail

Hello Anthem
It's a lovely story and I do like the comparison between the luminescent ocean and the starry sky. The parts in parentheses could be omitted. I also thought the "bit brazen by beverage" was a little forced and another phrase would fit better. The same applies to "paused when we cause". Also I didn't understand "tepid break". Altogether though, an engaging telling of a special night.

Thanks for the feedback! I did end up omitting the parentheses and I was also struggling with the "paused" line. Ultimately, I left it in the final version. In regards to the tepid description, I intended the image of a mild, lazy wave break.

Originally Posted by Ravel

loved it & felt it

Thanks!!


Anyone interested in reading the final version can find it in the November newsletter on the home page! Page 15. I also have set up a blog now, on which the final version of this article and others can be found. Most articles on the website are more blog-like as opposed to narratives.

I thought my signature had been updated with my blog URL, but maybe not!