Thread: Dear Kelly

I am ashamed to admit that over the last thirty years of my life I have thought about you very rarely. I know that sounds cold, selfish and mean, but it is the truth. I need to explain to you why I am writing to you now – after all of these years.

Recently I have been staying with Stacy, your sister, while undergoing serious medical treatment. Stacy and her husband, Mike, have been kind enough to put me up while I am being treated, so I can be closer to the medical facility. I live about two-hundred miles away, and couldn’t possibly make that commute every day. Your younger brother, Jason, has made it a point to take me golfing once a week to help me keep in good spirits, and I appreciate that as well.

Your mother has to keep things going at home while I am gone. She has been a rock, and helped me through some hard times. It hasn’t been easy for her. She lost her sister, your Aunt Connie, last September to cancer. I am sure this one-year anniversary is hard on her.

I know what it is like to lose someone since my father, your grandfather, died in December of 2009. Kelly you would have really loved your grandpa.

I feel it is important that I tell you some things about me. I, until recently, have been a pretty self-centered individual. It may have seemed on the surface as though I had the well being of others in mind, and I may have even believed it myself; looking back, however, I am pretty sure I have always put myself first. I feel very ashamed about that now, and I am trying hard to make amends. This is one of the reasons I am writing you now.

Kelly – I feel like a horrible father for not even knowing the date you came into this world. I feel horrible for not even considering what I missed in terms of seeing your smiling face as you would blow out the candles on your birthday cake. I know that you would have wanted me to watch you graduate, but the thought never crossed my mind.

Maybe I didn’t want to think about you because I was angry. Or, maybe I just was too selfish. I guess, in reality, it was probably a little of both. Whenever your mom would mention your name to me, and she often did, I would just block it out – not really paying attention. This morning, I thought of you, and it hit me hard.

As I mentioned earlier, I have been receiving treatment for a serious medical condition. Kelly I have cancer. I am not writing to ask you for forgiveness, or pity, because I know it wouldn’t do any good. I just wanted you to know that I had an experience today that I think will change me forever.

I am coming to the end of my two-months of radiation treatment. This morning a young woman walked into the patient waiting room to lead me to the treatment room. I had never seen her before, but for some reason I felt like I knew her. I felt very much at ease with her. She seemed very kind and gentle. She said, “Hi, my name is Kelly – I don’t believe we have met.” Even though I have not thought about you in a very long time, instantly, I thought – This is my Kelly; this is the wonderful young woman she must be. I know that sounds crazy because it is impossible.

As they placed me onto the table my eyes began to water; when they left the room a tear fell down my cheek. I wanted to hold your hand. I wanted to hug you. I wanted to tell you I am sorry; I know it wasn’t your fault, but I wish that I could have seen you take at least one breath, but you couldn’t – you were stillborn.

So Kelly, in closing, I just wanted you to know that I am trying to be a better person, and I am thinking about you. I wanted to talk to you at least once, and since I couldn’t I wrote you this letter. I hope you get to read it.

~Love Dad

Just on the proof reading:

"...you would have would have really..."

Very nice, very heart felt I enjoyed it.