Thread: I thought I heard a Noise

I thought I heard a noise. I stood there and waited. It came back again. It was swift then creaky and then it went all quiet.
I took it away. I was bemused I heard it but vowed to loosely ignore it. Then it started again. It went then it came back. This time it was getting closer.
I stood up, looked around and waited.
There!!! it goes again. I could make it. It was coming from our garden outside. Maybe it was the branches, the sound of the trees mellowing in the sun and figgeting in the wind.
I smiled and thought.. Oh well it may well be the birds,... oh no ....maybe it was the squirels. There are so many about and it is the season for them to crunch some grubs.
A minute passed or two,...I was not to quiver over such a fracas any longer. I was far too minded to look it for it again.
Then all of the sudden, my pen dropped on the parquet. The very polished floor that is my pride and joy.
Then at the same time at this very second, the movement of the pen, the cracking of the floor and the sound within the branches, outside I was sure, bounced off the walls again. Together unenchanted, both sounds melted away into a line of rhyme not so familiar with. There they grasped that very hollowed silence, a tuny hint of magic only the mind can seal.
At this very moment it sounded like a movement, a note within the calm, a thrilling sound it was between the outside , the pen, the chanting of the branches and the quirking of the floor that stood up to the pen that fell without a care.
And at my own amusement, there it was the sound, amongst the flowers and the trees, an apple and a dog, that cruised upon those leaves and played the chase and catch.

Nacian. I'm sorry, but this falls short on so many levels. If there was a moment of magic in there, it is lost among the errors and the abuses of English prose. If you can't see the problems, and want to know, we can go through every stumble; that's up to you.

Originally Posted by Nacian

I thought I heard a noise. I stood there and waited. It came back again. It was swift then creaky and then it went all quiet.
I took it away. I was bemused I heard it but vowed to loosely ignore it. Then it started again. It went then it came back. This time it was getting closer.
I stood up, looked around and waited.
There!!! it goes again. I could make it. It was coming from our garden outside. Maybe it was the branches, the sound of the trees mellowing in the sun and figgeting in the wind.
I smiled and thought.. Oh well it may well be the birds,... oh no ....maybe it was the squirels. There are so many about and it is the season for them to crunch some grubs.
A minute passed or two,...I was not to quiver over such a fracas any longer. I was far too minded to look it for it again.
Then all of the sudden, my pen dropped on the parquet. The very polished floor that is my pride and joy.
Then at the same time at this very second, the movement of the pen, the cracking of the floor and the sound within the branches, outside I was sure, bounced off the walls again. Together unenchanted, both sounds melted away into a line of rhyme not so familiar with. There they grasped that very hollowed silence, a tuny hint of magic only the mind can seal.
At this very moment it sounded like a movement, a note within the calm, a thrilling sound it was between the outside , and the pen, the chanting of the branches and the quirking of the floor that stood up to the pen that fell without a care.
And at my own amusement, there it was the sound, amongst the flowers and the trees, an apple and a dog, that cruised upon those leaves and played the chase and catch.

I don't know what's going on with you, but I'm wondrin.'

I think it's real good. I liked it.

I wouldn't change anything, except maybe leave out the "with" at the end of the sentence.

My personal opinion? It could do without the "with." But then I'm one of those old fashioned snards who still can't get used to prepositions on the end.

A "tuny" hint of magic? ...very cool...very cool indeed.

Thumbs up from my corner.

Ahh...okay...one more thing...

I think one of your sentences has one too may "it"s in it, but you're the writer here, and coming from a very cool, far out place, seems to me.

On second thought, or third or fourth, leave the "with." I can't see where it refers back to anything in the sentence, in which case it doesn't offend at all. It tastes good where it is for some reason.

The extra "it"?

You're writin' and "in the jingle jangle mornin' I'll come following you."

Hi Stonefly glad you read my piece and thank you for taking time to go through it.
I thought the extra IT is necessary for unknown reasons. Meaning we still do not know what is this IT until the end.
I am also veryhappy you liked it

Hi Cran....thank you for taking time to read my piece.
I am always up for advice so do let me know where you think the shortfalls are.

OK - this is what you have:

Originally Posted by Nacian

I thought I heard a noise. I stood there and waited. It came back again. It was swift then creaky and then it went all quiet.
I took it away. I was bemused [word] I heard it but vowed to loosely ignore it. Then it started again. It went then it came back. This time it was getting closer.
I stood up, looked around and waited.
There!!! it goes again. I could make it. It was coming from our garden outside. Maybe it was the branches, the sound of the trees mellowing in the sun and figgeting in the wind.
I smiled and thought[..] Oh well it may well be the birds[,...] oh no [....]maybe it was the squirels. There are so many about and it is the season for them to crunch some grubs.
A minute passed or two[,...]I was not to quiver over such a fracas any longer. I was far too minded to look it for it again.
Then all of the sudden, my pen dropped on the parquet. The very polished floor that is my pride and joy.
Then at the same time at this very second, the movement of the pen, the cracking of the floor and the sound within the branches, outside I was sure, bounced off the walls again. Together unenchanted, both sounds melted away into a line of rhyme not so familiar with. There they grasped that very hollowed silence, a tuny hint of magic only the mind can seal.
At this very moment it sounded like a movement, a note within the calm, a thrilling sound [] it was between the outside , and the pen, the chanting of the branches and the quirking of the floor that stood up to the pen that fell without a care.
And at my own amusement, there it was the sound, amongst the flowers and the trees, an apple and a dog, that cruised upon those leaves and played the chase and catch.

Red means simple error; easy to fix.
Blue means questionable phrasing; more thought needed.
Green means unnecessary sequencing emphasis - there's no need to tell the time every few seconds.

Let's look at it again, without the red and green parts:

Originally Posted by Nacian

I thought I heard a noise. I stood there and waited. It came back again. It was swift, then creaky, and then it went all quiet.
I took it away. I was bemused [word] I heard it but vowed to loosely ignore it. It started again. It went. It came back. It was getting closer.
I stood up, looked around and waited.
There it goes again! I could make it. It was coming from our garden outside. Maybe it was the branches; the sound of the trees mellowing in the sun and fidgeting in the wind.
I smiled and thought, Oh well, it may well be the birds. Oh no, maybe it was the squirrels. There are so many about and it is the season for them to crunch some grubs.
A minute passed or two. I was not to quiver over such a fracas any longer. I was far too minded to look it for it again.
All of a sudden, my pen dropped on the parquet. The very polished floor that is my pride and joy.
At the same time at this very second, the movement of the pen, the cracking of the floor and the sound within the branches, outside I was sure, bounced off the walls again. Together unenchanted, both sounds melted away into a line of rhyme not so familiar. There they grasped that very hollowed silence, a tuny hint of magic only the mind can seal.
At this very moment it sounded like a movement, a note within the calm, a thrilling sound; it was between the outside and the pen, the chanting of the branches and the quirking of the floor that stood up to the pen that fell without a care.
And to my own amusement, there was the sound, amongst the flowers and the trees, an apple and a dog, that cruised upon those leaves and played the chase and catch.

That leaves the bits which need some thought:
I stood there - where? Does it even matter at this point where you stood?

I took it away. Really? Took what away? Took the noise away? How did you do that?
Or are you saying, I let it go ?

I was bemused [word] I heard it - This is either one statement missing a preposition,
or it's two statements: I was bemused. I heard it etc ...

vowed to loosely ignore it - is that possible? Can someone tightly ignore a thing? It looks like this was meant to be a synonym for largely or mostly, but why vow to mostly ignore something? Why not vow to ignore it?

I could make it. - You could make the noise?

far too minded to look it for it again - as it stands, this is a direct contradiction of your earlier vow to ignore it;
minded to means consciously determined to.

All of a sudden, - is there any other way?

dropped on the parquet - prepositions can be such a pain, can't they?
on implies that it was already standing there, which further implies that the pen was a female swan;
to or onto would clarify the phrase.

At the same time at this very second, - a tautology,
roughly meaning in that (single) instant or in that (single) moment

branches, outside I was sure, - having already established that the garden, and therefore the branches,
were outside, why is there a need to dispel any uncertainty here?

a tuny hint of magic - considering the context, this might be an uncommon variant of tuneful,
or it might be a typo of tiny; given the more detailed explanation following, you probably don't need the potential confusion here.

At this very moment it sounded like - it is still the same moment, why belabor the fact?

the quirking of the floor - I like the word but I'm not sure what you mean; what about the floor was peculiar or unaccountable?

the floor that stood up to the pen that fell without a care. - the floor stood up to the pen? Well, that's quirking, I guess.
Was it the floor which stood up without a care, or the pen which fell without a care?
Or did the floor withstand the impact of the carelessly dropped pen?

there was the sound, amongst the flowers and the trees, an apple and a dog, that cruised upon those leaves and played the chase and catch. - a compound sentence with a confusion of connections and a misplaced punch line.
As it reads, an apple cruised upon those leaves and played chase and catch with a dog.
The next most likely variant is that the flowers and the trees cruised upon those leaves and played chase and catch; an apple and a dog being a metaphor or the name of the game being played.
A third variant is the sound cruised upon the leaves and played chase and catch amongst the flowers and the trees, and an apple and a dog.
A fourth - and I suspect the one you mean - is the sound that cruised upon those leaves amongst the flowers and the trees; a dog playing chase and catch with an apple.


Most of the questionable phrases can simply be removed:

Originally Posted by Nacian

I thought I heard a noise. I stood and waited. It came back again. It was swift, then creaky, and then it went all quiet. I was bemused. I heard it but vowed to ignore it. It started again. It went. It came back. It was getting closer. I stood up, looked around and waited.

There it goes again! It was coming from our garden outside. Maybe it was the branches; the sound of the trees mellowing in the sun and fidgeting in the wind. I smiled and thought, Oh well, it may well be the birds. Oh no, maybe it was the squirrels. There are so many about and it is the season for them to crunch some grubs.

A minute passed or two. I was not to quiver over such a fracas any longer. My pen dropped on the parquet. The very polished floor that is my pride and joy.

The movement of the pen, the cracking of the floor and the sound within the branches bounced off the walls again. Together unenchanted, both sounds melted away into a line of rhyme not so familiar. There they grasped that very hollowed silence, a hint of magic only the mind can seal.

It sounded like a movement, a note within the calm, a thrilling sound; it was between the outside and the pen, the chanting of the branches and the quirking of the floor. And to my own amusement, there was the sound, amongst the flowers and the trees, an apple and a dog, that cruised upon those leaves and played the chase and catch.

Which now leaves the ones which must be there but could use more thought.