I am not psychotic, but I possess the most damning reason. Controlled by a single idea of the course of 6 years, over which I have tried innumerable time to overcome, to refute. Hundreds of books later I come to realize that every philosophy known to man are unable to best it; religion is laughable in its presence. The Buddhists have tried to come to terms with it, but they haven't accepted its full nature.

There is a quote: "When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes back into you". There are moments in life which transcend time. Every time I grasp this idea - this curse, time ceases to exist and death stares into my soul.

For the last 6 years I have lived to a minimal degree. Friends have been ostracized, even family, engaging in basest social interaction which was necessary for survival. Self-imposed isolation, for socializing has become unbearable in its trivialness. However, I have on occasion dived into socializing for the sake of trying to occupy myself, to cloud my mind with intoxicants and frivolity to ease the weight. Of course, it is only a reprieve.

I entertained hope that I could overcome for a time - love was my answer, my refutation. This woman, in my mind, was perfect in her imperfection. Despite my very strong feelings and sentiments, it persisted like an indomitable fortress. Sometimes I would let slip this idea which was dominating me - she was horrified.

Despite its persistence, we tried to make it work. I felt genuinely happy for a time - I actually cried tears of joy on occasion. But I knew, and she probably guessed in those weak moments, that it was still in power. The happiness associated with our love was just an incorporeal obstruction in the vastness of infinity. The one thing that I held dear, maybe even sacred, I had taken away from myself. Now I don't even recognize her as the same person.

A denial of happiness and by association, the denial of self-interest seems to be contrary to reason. This is not so, for when you invalidate reason, through reason, everything become expendable - even happiness. For to act against one's own interests is the pinnacle of reason, due to its unreasonableness.