Thread: The Moth-Birds

I just wrote this & I can see it becoming a poem; for that reason I decided to keep it concise instead of expanding on it. Just in case anyone feels short-changed lol


Today a moth flew into my lightshade. It’s a clear lightshade, made of rippled glass. The moth flickered and flipped, casting shadows on the cream walls of the living room. The exotic bird shadows danced and dipped across my walls. The canvas above my fireplace gave them feathers as they flittered through trees. The mirror created a whole flock, a formation that transformed the room into a brief African safari, a fleeting experience of an imagined sunset in another world.

You should make this into a Haibun, Jane

why the repeat of 'lightshade' in the second sentence? unless you want to use the 'clear' as a form of see-thru observation, in that case it could have been expanded.

can you use 'casting shadows on cream walls' without the living room.

the same with the repeat of 'my walls' when mentioning the birds. (why birds?) is this a reference to the moth and how it appeared on the wall? where did the trees come from..or from the canvas?

***

just my way of critiquing things. I liked the images, again think this would do well as a haibun if you wanted to not break it into stanzas.

thanks for the read

Sync

Good thoughts, Sync, I appreciate the feedback but can you clarify for me?

What do you mean by 'unless you want to use the 'clear' as a form of see-thru observation'?

I've said 'birds' because the moth inside the lightshade was casting shadows bigger than itself which looked like birds on the wall. The canvas above the fireplace is a photo of a forest, its in black & white so the 'birds' seemed to become part of it and the canvas gave the shadows a texture.

Also, what's a haibun? I might have a go at it if you explain it to me! Thanks for the thoughts, I appreciate any critique.

Hello Jane,

sometimes I talk all backwards, something to do with my mind and how it works, so often wording doesn't come out the way I sent it out from my brain...makes conversations fun sometimes

the exotic bird was what originally threw me. because then you added another creature beside the moth. But the 'clear lampshade' to me was un-needed or at least could be combined into one sentence - a moth flew into a lampshade of rippled glass - which shows it is clear, without saying it twice. You could put a gender on the moth(why not) to rid 'the' .

but anyway a Haibun - a haibun is a short prose with a haiku at the end. A haiku(in case you've never wrote one) is 3 line poetry with a syllable count of 5/7/5 (but that can vary in modern style) One of the most famous(though not the only) writers of Haiku was Basho. The formula is basically the first two lines set the setting of the prose, and the third summarises it in a feeling. the haiku is placed at the end of the prose.

for example if I was to write a haiku for yours it would be

a glass moth captured
fakes feathers to escape
Africa cast in shadows

***rushed so yukkie but that's what I meant****

I did enjoy this as is. its just how I think

Sync

That's great Sync, thanks. I've seen your critiques of other work & I think you have some valuable insights to contribute. In this case I also appreciate your technical knowledge. As for the way you think, I can sympathise lol. As Spike Milligan said, 'I'm Irish. We think sideways.'

i often tell people - 'there is no box to put me in'

I liked this Jane... (smile)