Thread: Gromen 4 - in case you thought I had popped my clogs

How to cope with being really Old (1500 words)

There appears to be a few mature folks on this thread and one or two viewers show interest in what happens to men in the age of Great Granddads. Maybe, as one who has passed through the threshold of three score years and ten, I can throw a little light on the subject whilst I can still see, hear and think.

It is not mandatory at any age to catch Alzheimers, Parkinsons or Senile Dementia in any of its less well known varieties. Neither need a man lose his hearing. But one does get a little crotchety. This however is a mental state which can be used with aplomb. Anything one hears of which one does not approve which has been uttered by a loving spouse can be evaded by turning a ‘deffun’. Practice your pained expression in the mirror. A look, a puckered chin, a wrinkled eyebrow followed by a “What did you say?” is usually enough. No, unless you feel so inclined, you do not have to go shopping, or visit Auntie Mary nor one of your wife’s ex work colleagues, most of whom you cannot abide.
Shortage of breath might be a possibility especially after climbing stairs so make sure you make a grab for the stair rail at the top. However I find that merely asking for something in a plaintive voice is often enough for it to arrive, almost as if by magic, at one’s elbow. If the bedroom is situated upstairs, then once down, there is no need to go up again until bed time beckons, so long as the house also is fitted downstairs with a loo.

You need never have to lift a heavy weight again. There is a technique for lifting suitcases, shopping bags, indeed heavy loads of various types ie that you merely stand there and look perplexed. It is absolutely amazing how often some kind soul will come up and offer to help. Never refuse the offer. Your need for assistance is making them feel generous in that they did their good deed for the day by helping a poor old man. Be sure to say: ‘thank you’ and hobble a bit as you walk away.

You will not have to defend your arm chair. You know that special, soft, comfortable recliner which is sited immediately in front of the TV, by the small cupboard alongside the window, over looking the garden. That will be your chair and any visitor to the house will be advised that no one else is allowed to sit in it. It helps if the chair is a bit tatty - so scratch it, spill some coffee down the side of it, eat some cream cracker biscuits whilst sitting in it. Give it a grubby patina. If the worst comes to the worst and some infidel has the audacity to sit in it, then a ruse which rarely fails, is to go get a walking stick, to stand by the chair and to wheeze. Actually people who try to sit in a man’s lounge chair or his dining room chair or his kitchen chair should no longer be invited to the house. Personally I have found that a Staffordshire Bull terrier or Rottweiler makes an excellent Guardian of the Chair. They can be a very effective deterrent, especially in the moulting season, to all well dressed women and any man wearing a suit.

As with the chair, so with the toilet. Since it is highly probable that a seventy one year old male will have a prostate problem, guests, visitors, family members will avoid your loo - so long as you make sure they know of your condition. You might have to create your own personal throne room but the plumbing is easy enough. Choose the plumber carefully. You will then be able to go as often as you like without fear of blockage. Remember to fit a dog proof catch on the inside for if you have a terrier, it will make a point of following you wherever you go. I have found it best to take the Tamulosin tablets at around 9.00 pm in the evening, then the chronic period is in the morning and not during the night.

Watch out for the colonic complications - same lower end but at the back rather than the front. It is a different specialism so a different set of rubber gloves are called for. When under routine inspection you lay on your stomach instead of your back. Remember to eat a laxative a day and make sure you get plenty of fibre in your diet.

Dizziness. Well, that comes a bit with the Tami pills. It could also be associated with the bifocals. When the room spins, just stand still, grab something stationary, ask yourself if you have had a glass too many and wait - the sensation will pass.
Hearing can be a problem. Personally I’ve got tinnitus, a condition presents as a permanent whistling sound in the ears. You can mentally switch it off after a time and it is again a useful weapon when you don’t want to listen to something you don’t want to hear. One hand to your good ear, a slight lean forwards and a querulous “what?” is all it takes to take advantage of the condition. I am sorry to say the noise never goes away but you will eventually learn to sleep through it.
Eyes. Even if they were once 20:20, you won’t be for ever. Specs will help but again it is amazing what you need not see if you don’t look too hard. If you do need to see something close up then there are always binoculars, telescopes and microscopes. Personally I have been partially blind in my left eye for most of my life - so I look out though the right eye. Table tennis is still possible so something on the left side must be working.
Sex. Hope that you have forgotten about it. Even if you still can do it, no one is going to want to do it with you or rather no one you want to do it with will want to do it with you and if they do, then you want to ask yourself seriously why would they want to?
Stomach. Choice of eating is up to you. Don’t eat too much. Don’t kid yourself that you can eat and stay slim.So, don’t ever eat anything you don’t like. The best filet steak is fine as is the occasional bit of rump. Choose lamb cutlets rather than chops, buy chicken breasts but never wings. With pork be careful by buying cuts for roasting and never the fatty chops. The fish should be flaky cod and not herring which is filled with those tiny bones. I find a mature crusty brie - a bit past its sell by date - is great for the digestion and the smell usually puts it beyond the taste of young people. By the way, it goes well with a good sauterne. In other words, only the best will do.
Alcohol. Never having been a spirit drinker I don’t miss whisky, gin or rum. Nowadays, not being able to retain a pint means that beer is a ‘No-No’ except for the occasional glass of strong dark barley wine. Wine is, however, a must. Wine helps with the digestion, saves on the water bill, and tastes good. There is no point for an Old Man to drink rubbish. Bad wine, red or white, is to be refused unless of course there is nothing else available at the time.

Exercise. Walking the dog is fine but don’t exercise a greyhound or fox terrier. Make sure you get something that will walk at your heel, sit on your feet, by the foot of your stool, in the pub.
Horse riding is great exercise. Get a gelding rather than a mare, nothing over 15h2 - otherwise it is too high to climb onto. It should be at least 12 years of age perhaps even older. Buy it a Western saddle with a nice comfy sprung seat. Make sure it will stand when tied up at the pub. Make sure you fit an address tag to the bridle in case you fall off and remember to let go of the reins if you do. Take a cell phone even if the signal doesn’t work in your area - you never know you might get lucky. Fit an address label to the horse’s head collar. Absolutely everyone will worry about a loose horse,
so just hope they will wonder why the rider is missing.
Certain chores are specifically forbidden as being bad for the heart, namely: window shopping. strenuous gardening, decorating, housework, ironing, weddings, funerals, christenings.

Finally beware of doctors. They get paid a lot of money both for confirming that you have got what they thought you might have and equally as much for finding that you have not got what they thought you probably have When you do find what you have actually got, probably the Doctor was not looking for it.

Welcome to the fifth age. It can be quite comfortable so long as you don’t take it too seriously.
Just be grateful the clock is still ticking.

Divus, so glad to see that the clogs are still securely on! I'd wondered where you got to.

I had to chuckle (wryly) when I read over this because my great-grandmother had cataracts and just about the time that everyone got used to the fact that she couldn't see well, she had surgery. She still acted most of the time as though she still had the cataracts but I began to notice that she had selective vision. If she didn't want to see something right in front of her, she didn't. ("Could you please find ___ for me, dear?") but if you were misbehaving she could see into another room and around a corner to catch you.

...not that I ever misbehaved.

Hi Divus

I think you covered most of the bases. The deafness thing doesn't work if the one you live with is equally deaf. And you did forget horny toe-nails.

Why do all the young women think we are such nice old men? Why weren't they thinking that when we were still capable of other things?

Ox:
"Why do all the young women think we are such nice old men?
Why weren't they thinking that when we were still capable of other things"

Perhaps because those young women feel the soft stroke of the carefully placed finger.
They see the twinkling eyes and the cheeky grin, whilst they listen to the soft gentle voice and hear the wisdom from age.
There is the banter, the laugh, the quip.
We offer sympathy and we understand.
We are beguiling
They feel safe.

Trouble is from our point of view it now takes us too long to get out of the chair.

Divus - Having just officially passed Mile 70 I can appreciate all you wrote. However, I've re-adjusted the odometer to read 35. And I can truthfully say I'm 35, U-S, following the official currency exchange rate.

A few years before my parents died they both became very, very, hard of hearing. They were in their late 70s and too proud to admit they had a problem. I remember going to visit them only to find them in the midst of a quarrel, a really hilarious quarrel, because they were talking about two entirely different things.