Thread: Musing? (maybe/sorta)

Wrote this in one morning
Opinions are welcome/encouraged
Thanks for reading.

Drilling for plastic…..


I looked at the sky today.
I mean extensively looked at the sky, not the inadvertent look we all do.
I mean eyes fixed, head cocked back, in total silence and gazed at the unsettling vastness of the sky.
I thought about how everyone who had ever existed looked at this exact same sky.
I thought about how by some divine law I could never comprehend, this massive, blue, mystery blanket kept us all alive.
I thought about thanking the sky on behalf of all earth, for all its done for us.
I thought about it saying “You are welcome, Adam.”
I thought about what else the sky would say, deep, profound, philosophic shit I bet.
Like, “This is all bigger than you.” or “You aren’t alone.”
I thought about how glad I was that the sky didn’t talk, I mean the sky has to see a lot of stuff, and for a scoundrel like me, an all seeing, omnipotent, blabber mouth is the last thing I need.
Besides if the sky could talk that would mean it would have to have a mouth, and with a mouth comes all types of issues; bad breath, sneezing, snoring, besides what if the sky accidentally eats a plane?
American Airlines would sue.
After my neck developed a sharp pain and soreness I directed my attention to the busy bustling city street. Men with briefcases, students, the poor and down touted. Each with 1000 stories all coexisting under the sky.
I stared at a well endowed woman, she was wearing a low cut shirt that I’m pretty sure was to small.
She had amazing tits.
The sky is a lot like a nice set of breasts.
And If the sky is a giant boob, then the sun is a nipple.
They both invoke this bizarre since of hope, they both having this healing power that is indescribable.
The sun feeding the earth with invisible rays. and nipples feeding babies and sexual deviants with organic calcium.
You can go blind gazing into the sun to long.
You can go to jail if you stare at boobs to long, and without permission.
I thought about how when I was a kid I’d lay on my moms chest .
I thought about how it was the closest to nirvana I had ever been, without smoking weed.
I thought about my head being like the earth, and my mother’s chest being the sky.
I thought about the sun/nipple metaphor I had made earlier which led me to think about my mothers nipple, which grossed me right the **** out.
I noticed that the women with the big tits noticed me mindlessly staring at her chest.
She probably thought I was a pervert, some type of peeping tom.
She wasn’t far off basis, I am some what of a pervert. But what she didn’t know is that her magnificent tits helped me see things a little bit clearer, I had a boob inspired epiphany.
I wanted to thank her, but it would only have freaked her out.
Especially since I had a boner….

I liked the first line.

Originally Posted by AdamHomer

Wrote this in one morning
Opinions are welcome/encouraged
Thanks for reading.

Drilling for plastic…..

I think the beginning has great energy and draws the reader in. However the repeating of the line, "I thought about..." dissipated that energy a bit. Forced repeats needs to be skillfully used to be effective.

The energy gets dropped with "after my neck developed a sharp pain ..." This line does not have the same power or energy as the previous lines.

[This is what I was thinking after reading the first few lines of your work. Before finishing reading it in its entirely, I hit the "reply" button with plans to comment on the rest of it as I read it in the "reply" box. Consequently the remainder of my comments are listed below.]

The rest of the writing is a big waste of a reader's time who was offering a genuine opinion...this is if you were merely attempting to be cute or clever or shocking. It seems very unfair to begin a piece of writing with imagery pointing to one style of thought and then pull a trick on the reader at the end.

My apologizes if my assessment of your work sounds harsh. I'm merely being truthful in my own reaction which is what you claimed you were asking for.

Originally Posted by pardes

I think the beginning has great energy and draws the reader in. However the repeating of the line, "I thought about..." dissipated that energy a bit. Forced repeats needs to be skillfully used to be effective.

The energy gets dropped with "after my neck developed a sharp pain ..." This line does not have the same power or energy as the previous lines.

[This is what I was thinking after reading the first few lines of your work. Before finishing reading it in its entirely, I hit the "reply" button with plans to comment on the rest of it as I read it in the "reply" box. Consequently the remainder of my comments are listed below.]

The rest of the writing is a big waste of a reader's time who was offering a genuine opinion...this is if you were merely attempting to be cute or clever or shocking. It seems very unfair to begin a piece of writing with imagery pointing to one style of thought and then pull a trick on the reader at the end.

My apologizes if my assessment of your work sounds harsh. I'm merely being truthful in my own reaction which is what you claimed you were asking for.

I disagree. Aside from a few word choices and sentence structure things, I think this is a great peice. True, the whole "sun" and "nipple" thing threw me off at first. But it just shows how much the mind truly wanders. On a personal level, sometimes when I try to pray and have one of those "moments" with my God, my mind does these twists and turns and sometimes thinks perverted thoughts that I have little control of. I think that the change of tone from the beginning to the end is brilliant.

Thank you all very much for you assements.

"And If the sky is a giant boob, then the sun is a nipple.
They both invoke this bizarre since of hope",
Sense?

Thought it was okay, some of it sounds a little tierd, character seems to have a little bit of a ego problem - this doesn't sound right - but a lot of the bits i don't like is because i tend to do the same thing. As T.N Kettman says we're all a bit preverted, the character doesn't need to dwell on his own wanderings.

Also the narrative at times sounds thoughtful and insightful and at other times appears slightly inmature.

As I said, i thought it was okay, some good ideas which could do with a bit of editing and tighting