Thread: Essay for a Scholorship

Wonder what you guys think...

DNA is comprised of certain patterns that determine the most miniscule details of our appearance. It can determine whether we are small or large, heavy or light, all by following a sequence of molecules. Our language is essentially a code that can portray our emotions, our feelings, even our messages, much like how DNA can express various personas. Change some letters around, and the words formed represent something completely different, a new meaning. The versatility of a language is boundless, and that’s what attracts me to pursue English, or more specifically journalism, as a career.

A career in writing is not only essential in putting forth your own personal message - your silent speech - to the voiceless, but is an indispensable way of discovering the deep meanings in idiom that help get your central theme across to an audience. Getting a hold of fine literary skills can eventually reinforce your point in your writing, get you published, and even change one’s perceptions on things. Writing a passionate article on a war, using convincing words and a visual, visceral writing style can make an individual think twice about the conflict, seeing if it’s a necessity, or a meaningless predicament.

English has always been a great tool for spewing my thoughts on paper, just in a more literary and organized way. I’m in love with the possibility and potential of the language, and what I can write using it as an aid for getting the truth, or at least my unbiased version of it, across to potential readers. Fitzgerald and Bradbury both have messages that still captivate readers through their masterful way of manipulating the language, shaping and bending and prodding it, until a clear-cut meaning pours out of the book. I am one of their readers, and a definitive goal of mine is to produce something similar to what they have accomplished; a simple beautiful style that speaks in volumes. This is my mindset, going off to college, aiming to get a major in journalism, to enter with an air of certainty, armed with the English language.

Simple is clear, try this for an opener:-
The patterns of DNA determine details of our appearance, whether we are small, large, heavy or light, all by following a molecular sequence.
Leaving out qualifiers like "the minuscule" will not detract from the point you are making, it will make it more accessible and leave room to make other points as well.
"Much like how" should surely be "Much as"

A career in writing is not only essential in putting forth your own personal message - your silent speech - to the voiceless. I don't understand this, grammatically I think things should be essential to, not in. But aside from that who are the voiceless? those seeking a career or those they are writing for. If it is "not only" it should be "but also", sorry but it doesn't appear to follow to me. Once again, try paring it down to the bare essentials to clarify the idea.

English has always been a great tool for spewing my thoughts on paper, just in a more literary and organized way. Incomplete thought maybe? A more organized way than what?
I’m in love with the possibility and potential of the language, and what I can write using it as an aid for getting the truth, or at least my unbiased version of it, across to potential readers. That is some claim, putting "least" before it is unduly modest.

Originally Posted by The Backward OX

I think you’re wrong. Things are related to but essential in.

Possibly, I did say "I think".

I'm not sure it's the best idea to begin your essay with information on DNA. I like the metaphor, but I think this could be phrased differently. It's original, but you don't have to open with something completely original. I'd say start with something that announces what you want the scholarship for, setting up the metaphor. It might sound trite, but you could open with something like "Studying the English language is a lot like..."

Some other thoughts:

Avoid the use of the word "spewing" in scholarship essays.

If you're going to mention authors, use their whole names, and you should probably split the last paragraph into two more developed paragraphs.

"I am one of their readers" sounds awkward.

How long does this essay have to be? Looks like you've got a good start, but it does need some editing and a change in organization. It leaves a lot to be said.