Thread: The Alcohol Papers -- I

Hullo. If it interests you at all to ponder and scrutinise all things alcoholic, well then, I welcome you, bid you put yourself at ease with whatever puts you at ease, and I shall do my best not to stray and ramble.

I myself am undoubtedly a dipsomaniac of the highest and most severe degree; such that in the annals of written or vocal history I´ve not heard tell of my equal. I say that not with pride. I have of course been told of persons whom imbibe more regularly -- daily, hourly -- but in the sprint, if you will, I´ve never seen anyone dispense of bottles less judiciously, or with wilder after-effects.

This very minute my body aches from such price to pay. Stumbles, falls, burns, and a sound beating just over a week ago have left me feeble as a man twice my age, and full of regret.

Ah! But I stray already and have no intention of opening so darkly. Instead, I´d like to take an objective (insofar as I can) look at the substance itself, the chemical, the drug. I am not armed with any references, paper or questionable electronic, nor have I ever conducted any academic study on the matter; yet bear with me.

In whimsical investigation I read somewhere (a guide-book, I believe) that the world´s first songs and fermented concoctions were invented by workers along the Nile delta, long before the Age of the Pharoahs. This makes perfect sense to me, as I´m sure we are all aware of the tight bond between music and drink. They are practically married.

It would be hard to argue that the rosy glow and uninhibited smile of ¨a few¨ does not lend itself well to merriment. After all, who among us has not witnessed the usually uptight and reserved literally transform into Master of the Dancefloor, or Queen of Karaoke after ¨a few¨? One of the many amazing powers of alcohol!

Beyond the realm of music, alcohol seems to have made regular friends in all the Arts; painters, writers, actors, even philosophers (if I may be permitted to call them ´artists´). Again, no to stray or ramble, it comes as no surprise to me that drink was first discovered by the singing farmers of Egypt.

What a long strange trip it´s been since then, eh, my friends? Flaming shots, body shots, vapour shots, laybacks, funnels, crimini, the modus operandi eternum! It´s a fine thing that injecting it would be fatal or we´d have real trouble on our hands.

Of course, in all verity, we do have plenty trouble on our hands with the Stuff, but all that to be covered in due time. Ah, well, may as well tread in that direction a bit, I suppose.

I have given this matter quite a lot of thought, and the best word I can think of to describe the mixing of human blood with alcohol is unpredictability. People, no matter how well one thinks one knows another, are ever unpredictable. I´m sure I needn´t give famous examples, for doubtless at least a dozen times in your own lives you´ve found yourselves saying, ¨I never thought they´d do that!¨

Now combine that with the unpredictability of alcohol itself and...well, the equations scatter. Scientifically (ah-hem!) classified as a ´depressant´, I think we can all agree that at times it can be anything but. I have found its chameleonic effects to resemble those of the stimulant, the narcotic, the opiate, the hallucinogen, the tranquiliser, the aphrodisiac, the berserker-juice, and countless nameless others. For this reason when you mix unpredictable Sir with unpredictable Drink it can be pure fun and folly, or horrific unimaginable nightmare, or any of the vague stages inbetween.

I´ve taken to rambling again. Best get my thoughts together. To be continued?

To be continued?

That depends. Don't take me wrong. I really enjoy the whimsical style of your writing. And as is fitting to this piece, it is reminiscent of Charles Bukowski, or perhaps a barroom poet seeking attention and free drinks.

But it ambles around on a circuitous path into nowhere. And in that it becomes an annoyance. Give it some focus.