Thread: college essay

PLEASE READ AND COMMENT! I want to get some feedback but I have to get my applications in soon

Riding the train, I look out the window at the blur of buildings, the dull color sweeping past. The city is covered with a blanket of snow, school is closed, and it is my birthday. My dad and best friend share the soft leather seat with me as the train moves smoothly along the track. We are on our way to visit my twin sister, who is currently staying at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia.
"Next stop, Market East," a voice calls over the loudspeaker. A birthday and a day off from school, a rare combination, provides a rush of excitement to anyone who wakes up and listens to the radio as the snow falls thickly outside, waiting anxiously for the list of closed schools. This is far from spending my birthday in a hospital room. What a perfect birthday. I think about the way this day could've gone; friends, a huge snowball fight, sledding, and baked cookies. The images of each thought slowly enter my mind and fade away, leaving a trace of disappointment behind. As the train begins to move again, I start to realize that my sister is here to share it with me, fighting through another phase of her chronic illness.

"Next stop, Suburban Station." The train slows, and I watch as the view outside becomes more clear. I observe the people around me. A young couple affectionately cuddling, a woman helping her daughter button her coat, and an old man sitting alone, wearing a thin jacket and ripped, worn shoes. Was this man really as lonely as he looked?


"Next stop, 30th Street Station." I wonder if this man has a sister, a brother, or a friend to spend his birthday with. I look towards the people next to me. My father and my best friend. I am lucky to have these people with me. I begin to think about the little things that can make a big difference. The people with me right now. If my sister had not been as lucky as she was at eighteen months old, she wouldn't be here with me right now. If my friend hadn't mentioned she liked my backpack on the bus to kindergarten, she might not have become my best friend, a person willing to sit on this train with me on a snow day.

"Next stop, University City." I am spending my birthday with my twin, just as we had spent every birthday before. Presents, parties, they are all just additional things that really can’t compare to being able to spend my birthday with my twin sister. Right now, I realize there is nothing I'd rather being doing. Nowhere I'd rather be than on this train, heading for the hospital. As the train slows to a stop, a smile appears on my face. The three of us stand up and step off the train onto the station, and begin to walk through the snow to CHOP, where I will soon see my sister on a perfect birthday.

Not bad! However, I suggest re-reading it as it seems kind of jumpy in a few spots.

I think it will help with commenting to know what this is for. It seems a little pointless.

Not bad! However, I suggest re-reading it as it seems kind of jumpy in a few spots.

I agree that it does seem rather pointless, but it is well written. The only error I noticed was this: Right now, I realize there is nothing I'd rather being doing.

Also, I'm curious, what R-train is your character riding in the story?

Originally Posted by littlec7821

PLEASE READ AND COMMENT! I want to get some feedback but I have to get my applications in soon

Riding the train, I look out the window at the blur They must be very close of buildings, the dull color sweeping past. The city is covered with a blanket of snow, school is closed, and it is my birthday. My dad and best friend share the soft leather seat with me as the train moves smoothly along the track In this sentence you have a list of people, interrupted by a seat, in a train moving smoothly, try... My Dad, best friend and I share the soft leather train seat. Moving smoothly along the track we are on our way to visit my twin sister, who is currently staying at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia.
"Next stop, Market East," I think this comma should be outside the parentheses as its about the sentence structure rather the information inside them a voice calls over the loudspeaker. A birthday and a day off from school, a rare combination, provides a rush of excitement to anyone who wakes up and listens to the radio as the snow falls thickly outside, waiting anxiously for the list of closed schools. This sentence is over long and complicated, look at all the different bits of information in it. Add to that some of them are tautology, repeating things you have already said This is far from spending my birthday in a hospital room. What a perfect birthday.These two sentences don't really work for me, but it may be that I am from the UK. If the second is irony I would give it an exclamation mark I think about the way this day could've gone; friends, a huge snowball fight, sledding, and baked cookies. The images of each thought slowly enter my mind and fade away, leaving a trace of disappointment behind. As the train begins to move again, I start to realize that my sister is here what in the train? to share it with me, fighting through another phase of her chronic illness.

My family have arrived home and it's late here so I must stop here, hope this helps.

Most college essays aren't like that, are they?

This is a good essay but it is not suitable for college essay. Btw its good writing here.