Thread: Avoiding the Couch

Some Counsel on Counseling


Here’s one pretty common version of what happens when a marriage goes bad. Two people fall in love, get married and spend a few years learning that happily ever after may not be in the cards. They try their level best to make things work and solve problems, but they are thwarted by their partners failure to recognize that they are the one messing things up. Unable to fix their spouse on their own, they figure that a stranger who knows neither of them will get the job done.

Out come the yellow pages, where all the more complex problems of western civilization are resolved.

Unfortunately, a lengthy list of therapists produces more angst in choosing just one of them. Since they can’t determine the quality of a therapist by their name they generally rely on how many letters are behind the name. Secretly, they know that this really only tells us about education, not skills, but they hope eternally that there is some connection between the two.

They have hoped for lots of things.

Going down the list they reduce the number of candidates with scientific precision. They cross off names they can’t pronounce, those with fewer letters, and those in undesirable locations. That usually narrows it down to one or two candidates, so of course they choose the name that sounds the most appealing.

Ah, there she is, Mildred Pickwickett, B.A., M.A., M.S.W., Ph.D., L.M.F.T., A.C.P. Cool name, lots of letters and five minutes from the house.

She must be the answer.

Too bad the string of degrees and certifications don’t tell us is anything about the kind of person Mildred is. I’ve often thought that therapists should have to include little stars after their credentials, one for each divorce or trip to rehab to get off drugs or booze. If they did, many of them would have the alphabet and the milky way after their name. I know, I digress. But I digress to inform.

A dirty little secret in the field is that the education and training of a therapist is absolutely no indicator of their skill, efficacy, or even competence. One thing for sure though, the more they have, the more zero’s you will be writing on the check. There is no guarantee of enhanced skills, but these are desperate times. A choice is made, for better or worse.

One of them, usually her, picks up the phone and starts punching numbers to set the first appointment. Ms. Pickwickett is a busy therapist, in very high demand. Her next opening isn’t until after lunch.

This is where it gets really interesting.

She wants to go. He doesn’t. But since she won’t let him have the remote back until he agrees, he relents. On the way there, grimacing in anticipation, the thought finally occurs to him that this may be a good idea. After all, if an unbiased third person can see how crazy his wife really is it may put the marriages problems squarely in her lap where they belong. He might even get out of this with a session or two and leave her there to sort out her own stuff. She is out of his hair, and he gets the remote back. The situation suddenly has promise. He is clueless that she has come to the same conclusion a long time ago, and has similar ambitions.

They show up in Mildred’s office, both with the same façade; calm-natured and reasonable. In other words, the exact opposite how they are with each other at home.

It lasts for about three minutes.

And once the gloves are off, it quickly spirals downward into another round of “It’s his fault!” and “No, it’s hers!” Just like at home, only there is no TV in the background and it costs three hundred dollars an hour.

It’s a frenzy of finger pointing that may require all of Mildred’s questionable skills to contain. Once it does calm down it usually just takes a more subtle form, each more quietly accusing the other of being the “real” problem; each tacitly competing for the therapists sympathies and validation. Neither actually trying to resolve anything except the indisputable fact that they are right and the other is wrong.

At this point Mildred knows that the marriage is toast. It’s just a protracted wreck, careening though the counselors office on it’s way into the ditch. But it’s a cash cow for Mildred. A couple inextricably lodged in projective denial will write checks to therapists until they start writing them to the lawyers. How long it takes them to get there is only a matter of how long it takes them to figure out the show is over. And Mildred won’t help with that. There’s no money in it. All the therapist has to do is be smart enough not to take sides or offer an honest assessment. While not geniuses, most of them are smart enough to not mess up on that one.

It is a pity, though. All this could have been avoided from the beginning.

Advice is cheaper than a politicians promise, and seldom more useful, so I rarely put myself in a position to give it. But while repairing a bad relationship is usually undermined by the people in it, the method to do it is ultimately simple. So, in this case, I make an exception.

If your marriage is having problems and you both really want them fixed, try the following:

1. Each person sits down and makes a list of everything they do that harms the relationship. Neither is allowed to write a word about the other persons problems, only their own.

2. Each person makes a commitment to themselves and to their partner to accept responsibility for the problems on their list and do something about it.

3. Each person takes their list to a trusted friend, relative, clergy or other trusted person without a financial motive and talks with them, seeking advice and support for making the necessary changes.

4. If, when making the list, you find yourself including things like active adultery, chronic alcoholism, drug addiction, assault and battery or any other deal-breaker, throw the list away and move out till you are ready to be married.

5. If, after serious thought and reflection, you can’t come up with at least three or four things to put on your list, move out till you are ready to be married.

Now, for the next two months you are only allowed to talk about the problems on the your list. That is, your problems. Not a word, syllable, consonant or vowel about the other persons problems. When they want to talk about the things on their list, all you have to do is listen, hopefully without saying something to screw it all up.

This will fix most any troubled relationship, or at least let you know in a hurry that the time for hope has passed.

It will save you a lot of time and expense with therapists and probably lawyers. But then again, if couples were capable of making those lists and pointing their fingers inward, they would not be in trouble in the first place.

Finally, someone with common sense! At least you can see how marriages can be fixed in a way that will actually work. But, sadly, many people are not smart enough to see that because they want to be "normal", which I consider to be the freakiest thing ever. I may be weird, but at least I am more normal than other "normal" people. And I do not consider wearing my pants behind my knees attractive.

Great article, and I wish you luck if you consider publishing it.

It’s a laudable idea but I might be able to shoot holes in it.

Just for starters let’s take the person who is a control freak, who enjoys power. They exist in both sexes. A male will quite frequently go into a rage and bash his partner if things upset him, if things don’t go his way. This condition is most probably some deep-rooted psychosis. Are you saying that such a person is even going to be able to recognise that what he is doing is wrong, let alone be able to eliminate it from his repertoire? I don’t think so.

Originally Posted by The Backward OX

It’s a laudable idea but I might be able to shoot holes in it.

Just for starters let’s take the person who is a control freak, who enjoys power. They exist in both sexes. A male will quite frequently go into a rage and bash his partner if things upset him, if things don’t go his way. This condition is most probably some deep-rooted psychosis. Are you saying that such a person is even going to be able to recognise that what he is doing is wrong, let alone be able to eliminate it from his repertoire? I don’t think so.

Sorry it took me so long to get back to this. I just now happened upon your response.

First, just for clarification, women more frequently initiate violence in relationships than men. That being said, of course there is no way to identify and address psychopathology with a self-report. Nor would my suggestions address psychosis, mental retardation, tourettes syndrome or about a thousand other things.

No form of marriage counseling attempts to address individual psychopathology, which is why I included the caveat that such problems preclude you from a healthy marriage in the first place.

The suggestions are intended for people who are trapped in a dysfunctional relationship that is further complicated by projective denial and lack of accountability. IOW, most bad relationships.

Originally Posted by ThePinkBookworm

Finally, someone with common sense! At least you can see how marriages can be fixed in a way that will actually work. But, sadly, many people are not smart enough to see that because they want to be "normal", which I consider to be the freakiest thing ever. I may be weird, but at least I am more normal than other "normal" people. And I do not consider wearing my pants behind my knees attractive.

Great article, and I wish you luck if you consider publishing it.

My apologies to you also for the belated reply. Thanks for your comments, and the validation.