Thread: Changed Man

Needs revision. Critique. I'm pretty sure I lost myself on the tense but am hoping you all can help out!

Changed Man

He slammed his poker hand down on the fold-out tray-table. He beat me again, but my mind was too focused on the impatience brought on by a four-hour flight to really care. I signed up for this mission trip for a cheap marble chess set from Mexico. Sitting next to some joke with Spider-man playing cards who insists that I “have some fun” was not part of the game plan.


The wing is tipping to the left; I can see San Diego approaching from the comfort of my window seat – landing gear, wing-flap, turf.


Back on solid ground and free from the shackles of Texas Hold ‘Em, I start to get excited. This is going to be amazing. While the rest of my youth group loads their luggage into the rented van, disappointingly lacking Freon, I sit in the backseat and let my mind race with all the wonderful things I have heard about Mexico.


“The ocean is beautiful, crystal clear. The food is delicious – you will love it. Everything is so cheap. Be sure to save up some money beforehand, because you can get some really nice stuff.” I love stuff. Mexicans have it made. We are almost across the border; the exhaust fumes are irritating.


We are in. I can’t wait to finally see the picturesque landscape, eat the gourmet cuisine, and buy all kinds of awesome trinkets. I guess the mission part of the trip might make a good story someday, too.


I’ve been riding in the backseat of the crowded mini-van for about 40 minutes now which means we still have another 50 minutes or so until we reach our destination, Ensenada, Mexico. The mountainous countryside is breathtaking. I still don’t understand exactly how we are going to effectively serve someone from a nation that has everything by building them a three-room house with no electricity or running water.


My answer came just a moment ago. I’m still receiving it. Over a hundred ramshackle buildings constructed from sheet metal and held together with chicken wire were strewn across a mountainside. Some were stacked on top of others. Suddenly all the visions of sugar-plums and the rest of storybook Mexico had been dashed, no longer dancing in my head. The mountains went from luscious green to a rust-colored ghetto.


David had been fired from his factory job due to downsizing. He had been saving up for a home when his dreams were crushed, and his family was thrust headlong into poverty. We began constructing the house for David and his wife on the second day.


Their kids run around the worksite laughing and playing games with us. Every blister, cut, and bead of sweat was made worth it by the smiles that they afforded. I figured it out. This mission is not about me; it is about bringing change to people who deserve it.


The house is finally completed on the seventh day, and it is good. It’s time to leave the people who I now felt very close to. It is against Mexican culture for men to cry, but David cried on this day. Seeing the joy that he is overcome with, something finally strikes home: there is a world outside of ours that demands we make a difference. I think it is very important for people to know that.


Farewells are finished, now. It is another boring ride home, but my mind is too focused on the heart-break that has changed me to really care.


Several years pass. I signed up for that mission trip for a cheap marble chess set from Mexico; a changed life was not part of the game plan. My beautifully made chess set now sits in a box on the top shelf of my closet, collecting dust. The only things that I still hold onto tightly are the unforgettable moments – playing soccer with the children, talking with David and his wife, sharing a dinner that meant something more than a meal. It is interesting how priorities change in the midst of epiphany, and I’m glad they do.


Thanks!
~Stonez

Stonez,

This is excellent. I could not spot even one punctuation or grammatical error. I think you're right, you did lose yourself on the tense. But this is easily fixed. I believe the very first paragraph is written in past tense, then you began to write in present tense from the second paragraph. So, here:

The wing is tipping to the left; I can see San Diego approaching from the comfort of my window seat – landing gear, wing-flap, turf.

Right at that point the tense changed, but it continued as present tense throughout the rest of the piece. Hence, I suggest changing the first paragraph before it (first paragraph) to present tense as well.

I liked how you repeated:

Sitting next to some joke with Spider-man playing cards who insists that I “have some fun” was not part of the game plan.

I signed up for that mission trip for a cheap marble chess set from Mexico; a changed life was not part of the game plan.

The way you repeated "game plan" links your ideas together as it subtly enforces the narrator's changed perceptions of the world around him. Yet, it still represents that often while we start to figure things out and our opinions change, our fundamental nature and personalities remain intact and that is equally as important.

I hope that made sense.

Lastly, your final sentence was brilliant! It tied up your piece in a very sophisticated way.

I hope that helped!

Donna.