"Sometimes" - Writers Forum

SparkyLT · 07-06-2008, 07:47 PM

Hmm...I have just progressed from poetry to lyric, so feedback? Tell me if I should stick to poems...

SOMETIMES

Sometimes I wonder

If I can keep this dream alive

Sometimes I wonder

If it’s worth it to take a dive

Sometimes I wonder

If I will manage not to fall

Sometimes I wonder

If I have any point at all

So sometimes

I will break

And sometimes

I will hate and

Sometimes

I won’t care,

Truth or dare,

Stop and stare.

(Get the hell away from me)

Sometime I see

Things others do not

Sometimes I see

Myself, being caught

Sometimes I see

My life, just a flame

Sometimes I see

That I am to blame

So sometimes

I will break

And sometimes

I will hate and

Sometimes

I won’t care,

Truth or dare,

Stop and stare.

(Get the hell away from me)

Sometimes I will see truth

Sometimes I will see

What others want me to

But what I know right now is…

I’m just like you.

skywalker21 · 07-07-2008, 09:07 AM

That is what music is. A poem set to music. Yours is nicely written and it flows nicely. Will you go see mine and help me with it. I would kind of like to hear what you have to say before I also Romanize the text into Romji. Sometimes in songs they tell a story maybe you can do that. Look at some of your favorite artist. I write mine like my idol, Gackt. The name of mine is Deadly Love.

Sen Yama · 07-07-2008, 08:46 PM

I thought that it was beautiful, and well thought. Don't worry so much about repetition, that is what songs are. I saw 1 problem though

Quote:

That I am to blame

I think that it flows better without 'that'

Mystery · 07-08-2008, 03:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skywalker21

That is what music is. A poem set to music. Yours is nicely written and it flows nicely. Will you go see mine and help me with it. I would kind of like to hear what you have to say before I also Romanize the text into Romji. Sometimes in songs they tell a story maybe you can do that. Look at some of your favorite artist. I write mine like my idol, Gackt. The name of mine is Deadly Love.

Gackt

?

Only place I know Gackt from is dirge of cerberus but it's interesting to see such an exotic influence.

Raniegh · 07-08-2008, 10:29 PM

I like this, but the repetitiveness seems very extreme.

skywalker21 · 07-09-2008, 10:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mystery

Gackt

?

Only place I know Gackt from is dirge of cerberus but it's interesting to see such an exotic influence.

I know Gackt from Malice Mizer years and then to GacktJob.
I listen to his music.