Blue Shades

This is the first song I post here. I hope you like it.

I see you passing by
knowing that you still do not know
that I have found myself
thinking of no one but you
During all the time
the sky turns black or blue;
whether you're too close or far way.

I see you every time
I walk beside my lonliness
I stretch my heart to reach
some of our old memories.
They give me the power
to go on with my life.
They give me the stength
just to say:
Je T'Aime
Je T'Aime

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skywalker21

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T.W. North

^...The whole POINT in posting here is for others to help you make it better.

Wintermute

You have no idea what you're talking about, do you?

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"How poor are they that have not patience!
What wound did ever heal but by degrees?
Thou know'st we work by wit, and not by witchcraft;
And wit depends on dilatory time." - Iago

Tom

^^^ Three posts without any help at all I think this would probably do better in the poetry forum, but I'll review it as lyrics and see what happens yeah?

Short and sweet I would say. Nice word use, but maybe lenghtening it would have a nice effect as it's like cutting a story off part way through, or reading the last chapter before the first. Difficult to understand. Though, I could feel the meaning in it, however cliche it is, and it paints a vivid picture. Nice try

Tom.

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skywalker21

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Wintermute

Who said anything about me claiming to be a "Genious?" I just called you out on your bluff. You don't know what you're talking about.

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"How poor are they that have not patience!
What wound did ever heal but by degrees?
Thou know'st we work by wit, and not by witchcraft;
And wit depends on dilatory time." - Iago

Blue Shades

Thank you Tom for being helpful.

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moderan

Hmm. Ok, very short, alluding apparently to unrequited love, or at least that's the way I read it. Very vague really...for example:What does this mean exactly? The passage of days goes on, no matter what? You could fix the typo, but the line still doesn't make any sense. Walking beside loneliness is an effective image, one's solitude one's only companion and etc. But the rest is pseudopoetic nonsense. Saying "I love you" in French, well...you might mean it, but if you have the courage to say it, then do it in peson and perhaps the love will no longer be unrequited. Otherwise, I'd suggest buying a dog.
As far as fixing this...work with the walking beside loneliness line, elaborate on that without the selfpity angle. Why does your narrator love? Concentrate on that. Repost it as poetry, I don't think this would work as a lyric.
Nice try...and good luck to you.

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"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self." - Cyril Connolly

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."-Tom Waits

Blue Shades

Well Moderan, what I meant with the two lines you mentioned is the following: The narrator thinks about the one she loves day, when the sky is blue, and night, when the sky is black. She also thinks about hime whether he is nearby or miles away.
I want this to be a song, but for I have no experience in writing lyrics, I might rer-write it as a poem.

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moderan

*nods* I understand...I got what you meant but the syntax is a little tortured. More or less, night and day, you are the one. The problem for me is that sentiment has been said so very many times that is difficult to do it without echoing something else. The purpose of lyric or poetry, of verse, is imnsho to express something in a manner which is new and makes interesting reading/listening. Failing that, to express something unusual, to capture an emotion that isn't normally expressed.
The duo of verses you have posted would work better as poetry...as a song it doesn't work. Even as poetry it has some failings. But you tried, and I give credit to anyone with the stones to post their work publicly.

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"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self." - Cyril Connolly

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."-Tom Waits

Mystery

The funny thing is, you are calling someone on their bluff(if you want to take it as so) to accuse them of something you are doing as well. Contributing nothing. Way to go hypocrite, you managed to look like a bigger idiot!

This lyric is a classical case of what I call "inexpressiveness"... oh what the fuck, thats actually a word? I thought I made that up... ah well, learn something everyday. Back to the point.

Unlike the dictionary definition, which is lack of expression, I define it as an inability to properly express one's self(if there is a word for this, tell me). This can be because of a bad train of thought, lack of inspiration or background effect, lack of vocabulary etc. It doesn't mean simple is bad, it means your structure is bad for a simple song

There are many ways to remedy this, you can think it over, and toss it around until you find a format that is more interchangeably relatable between you and the listener, or you can do things such as add vocabulary, imagery etc. If you want to keep it simple, I suggest breaking down your thoughts into paragraphs, following the same rules as you would in essay writing. As soon as the subject deviates you change paragraph, only now you change verse OR keep it as a set piece in your mind. The funny thing about writing is it's a lot harder to properly order paragraphs when you are writing them, than when you are looking at them set out. What I told you to do will help you order them better. Then it's just a matter of working on the flow(rhyming or syllables) and your set.

If you want to take the other approaches, I can give you many other ideas outside of vocabulary, one would be to change the emphasis from "I" to "you", this draws emphasis to the other character, but the lyric remains your thought. (How this works: "You mean so much to me" as opposed to "I value you")

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Let's drown all our sorrows and we'll be gone till tomorrow...

Dies Irae, Dies Ilia, Solvet Saeclum In Favilla...

Yes, must still shut up.