Bystander-alt/hard rock - Writers Forum

moderan · 07-04-2008, 06:30 AM

This is another track from my next cd...instrumental version here. If you're not familiar with the incident, Kitty Genovese was raped and murdered in full view of dozens of people who did nothing to halt the attack depite the ability to do so (NYC 1966). There are other incidents of such nonintervention but they didn't scan within the internal rhyme scheme.

v1. The people all have turned away
They turn and face the other way
They face the other way instead
Instead of facing what's ahead

c1. Do What You Want

v2. Sometimes things cause too much pain, and yet refuse to go away
Sometimes things are just too deep, they come and plague you in your sleep

c2. Do What You Want
Do what you want, just don't do it to me_____

b. Everybody's looking at me
Everybody's looking- I don't know why
Everybody's looking at me
Why don't they act when I'm losing my life?

v3. Sometimes one like Genovese can drag you screamin' to your knees
I just know what I have seen-what strange things haunt your dreams?

c3. Do What You Want, just don't do it to me____ (repeat until end)

moderan · 08-23-2008, 03:15 AM

T.W. North · 08-23-2008, 04:31 AM

Eh....the rhyming is simplistic at best (and downright bad at worst). It doesn't really say much, you've thrown in one reference to the incident and decided that makes the song about said incident. It doesn't. You take an entire first verse to say 'people face the other way' and in fact, saying it in that exact phrase TWICE. The chorus is simplistic, but that can work. The next verse contains generic lyrics and downright bad rhyming. The next chorus is decent, but has nothing to do with the rest of it. The bridge is boring, repetative in a bad way and ends with a shit line. Verse 3, though, is pretty good.

Sorry to sound harsh man, but thats how I roll.

moderan · 08-23-2008, 12:46 PM

It takes a little reading into, I guess. The one incident is referenced to create a context for the idea of nonintervention. LOL...if I couldn't take criticism, I wouldn't post.
Very possibly I should, or should have, detailed additional incidents or made up my own instead of including an extended sax solo in the piece.
The rhyme scheme in the first verse matches the ascending chord progression. I do grant that it's redundant but that's why it is the way it is. The second verse needs work, I agree, and the overall lyric line needs work, which is why the piece is here. I haven't recorded the vocals because I am unimpressed with this myself and would gladly take in any examples of how to improve it.
Just looking for ways to best get the idea across...thanks for the crit.

moderan · 08-23-2008, 09:31 PM

Here's an alt:

v1. The lights go off above the square
As someone's getting killed down there
The people want to stay unseen
But they still want to view the scene

c1. Do what you want

No one moves to use the phone
They leave the victim on her own
The thing so hard to understand
What moves them to stay their hands?

c2. Do what you want
Do what you want, just don't do it to me__

b. I see someone looking at me
I can see them look but I can't meet their gaze
Everybody watching's guilty
And we will bear that mark til the end of our days

v3. Sometimes one like Genovese can drag you screamin' to your knees
I just know what I have seen-what strange things haunt your dreams?

c3. Do What You Want, just don't do it to me____ (repeat until end)

I'm still not sure about the bridge. I can't get it to say what I want it to.

T.W. North · 08-23-2008, 10:14 PM

Why not stick an instrumental in the bridge's stead? It's not serving much as it is.

And yes, this is alot better. 'someones getting killed down there' is a bit blunt though.

moderan · 08-23-2008, 11:27 PM

Hmm...blunt is ok I guess. I performed that one as it was for many years until I dusted it off because I liked the music, and didn't start thinking about the lyrics until a little while ago. The thing was originally written in the back of a van on a pizza box on the way home from a gig.
I think I may keep working on the bridge though-originally it went into the killer's head and that didn't work-the transition wasn't obvious enough. The previous went sort of into the victim's head, and I liked that a bit better though as you say it was cliched. That doesn't make it bad, but in this case it was. Dunno. I may scrap it and have the guitar speak for the narrator as the sax speaks for the victim. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

ubane · 09-11-2008, 10:26 PM

i would rather have a gun and nead it than have no gun and nead it

T.W. North · 09-12-2008, 02:03 AM

Americans....

For me with Squalor · 09-12-2008, 05:08 AM

they cant spell need

, and they are armed yay. Um this is well documented psycho/sociological phenomenon known as bystander effect aka: bystander apathy, Genovese syndrome, diffused responsibility or bystander intervention.
If Kitty does deserve a song and all others who have been victim to people being too coward to confront serial rapist/murderers, then I believe you should add a bit of depth to the song, perhaps more of a Bob Dylan like story something like a 'Hurricane-esque'
ode or homage, to such rape murder victims. For as I see it this does little justice to their memory. And at the end of the song its begging for the question of: 'what would you do? If you saw Kitty Genovese murdered in front of you.' something like that is extremely important to complete the circle (of life). (and I'm not talking Lion King here) yay

moderan · 09-12-2008, 05:19 AM

Thanks you for your comments, For me with Squalor. I do agree that the song needs a bit of depth (still), which is why it's here as I continue to work on it. Are you remarking upon the original version, or the revised version a few posts above?
The idea behind the rather vague lyrics is to get the listener to think about what they would do, and to form aversion to the narrator. Perhaps that is not well-implemented and I should go with the direct confrontation as you have in your suggested line. I'm well aware of the syndrome, though I don't know if I want to go the story-song route. An homage is possible. I may have to document additional incidents in order to do so. I'm not averse to that-whatever will make the piece stronger.