Quote:
Originally Posted by skywalker21
Deadly Love
Red roses bleed for the love lost
They dance upon my love fallen
For every night I think of you
Walking where I dare not go
Forbidden to die hoping, one day, I will join you on your walk threw time
|
I like how you started, it's unique, and you can actually see the Gackt influence in it, mainly because the way you word things or describe ideas is very Japanese-ish(aside from some back expression, it tends to be very dramatic and moody). I also like that it starts with a bit of originality, the problem is you lose this as you go along.
Quote:
I walk with you in the darkness
My soul full of you but lost from the light of day
We walk the town through time
Hoping this will never end
|
There is nothing particularly wrong with your chorus, but this is where you and your song could have benefited greatly from a broader vocabulary and phrasing. What I mean is an out of place sentence like "My soul full of you but lost from the light of day" which captivates what you mean but falls off the tongue a bit stale and awkward could become more flowing or verbally elegant. I don't want to give you examples because that would be how I would write it, and I don't want to influence you in that way since you haver a nice little style going. One thing you may want to consider is using night/noon as a setting for the first sentence(i.e, "In the dark of night my soul is satisfied by you" or something). I don't know, mess around with it. I can't really convert it in my mind unless I get really artsy
Quote:
One day, you disappear from me
Someone took your life from me
Everyday, I kill to take away the pain
But it never goes away it follows me through time
No one has stopped me, saved me from my pain
|
This is where you could have used a little more thought and time to get your meaning down in words. It's not that it's not there, it's that it's presented awkwardly, stiffly as opposed to a flowing mental image. One bit problem is is the constant repetition of me. What I would do, is just drop the me and have the sentences come as follows
"On day, you disappear,
Someone took your life (from me)
Everyday, I kill to take away the pain
But it never goes away, if follows me through time
No one has stopped me, save me from my pain(or sorrow/melacholy etc)"
In case you are wondering, brackets are things I'd do optionally, depending on how I saw the piece at that time. That's just one idea to make it a bit more flowing, particularly because it doesn't draw attention to you(as in the subject person "me" in the lyric) but instead leaves it to the actions happening(disappear, loss of life etc).
Furthermore, you could benefit from some darker imagery. Kill is a very brunt word, and I wrote brunt thinking it wasn't a word and I'd have to explain it but lo and behold, there is a word brunt. Anyway, what I mean is that while kill is very straightforward and ugly phonetically, words like murder are stronger albeit more smooth. It depends on what meaning you are going for though with what you say(depends on what you're killing).
In any case, like I said there isn't anything particularly wrong with what you wrote, but it could become better in comparison with the first verse if you made it a bit more colorful.
Quote:
Once again, I wish I was walking with you in the darkness
My soul full of you but lost from the light of day
We walk the town through time
Hoping this will never end
|
I don't know how well your grasp on English is, so in an effort not to insult you I'm not going to use my usual condescending tone. You don't need to place "the" before darkness because "the" is use to specify(I.E the book). Darkness is a general thing and there exists only one of it, so theres nothing to be specific about. I'm just saying this because removing the "the" makes it more flowing.
Otherwise same thins I said before.
Quote:
Now, I sit in the darkness waiting
For the sun to rise to take my life
Saving my soul from hell and joining my love in heaven
Where we can be together always without pain
|
The wording can still use a bit of work, but the progression of the meaning from the rest of the lyric is going well.
Quote:
So now, we can walk in the light
Our souls full of one another in the light of heaven
We walk through time with God
Now we can be together through time
Now we can be together through time....
|
It's a little bit of a cliche ending, but it first with what you where going with with the rest of the lyric so I can't hold it against you. I'd cut out the "light of heaven" because it's redundant, you've already said you are in the light.
So it would look more like this "So now, we can walk in the light, Our souls full of one another, we walk through time with God, Now we can be together through time".
Personally, I'd also say "Finally" instead of "now" in the last line, because it adds effect to the song and it capitalizes on what you've said before. Since the whole chorus thing has been almost like you waiting for the time in the light.
If you where a regular of the lyrics forum, you might understand how weird what I'm about to say is, however, I genuinely like your lyrics, flaws and all. It's a breath of fresh air to see a different angled approach to something(even if its a bit flawed and cliche). You tackle it in an appealing manner, you just need some work with language and such, but thats a function of time, you'll get better at it as you go.
It kind of makes me think of evanescence though, so if you don't listen to them already, you might like it.
