Guitar_chick133

this is another song, that I'm trying to get made as well, I'm collaborating. and have been asked to do some slight lyrics changes and was wondering what you guys thought. here are the lyrics as I wrote them.

Verse I
I Can't seem to get you out of my head
my heart has started beating fire instead
that look in your eyes when you smile that way
say more about you than any words can say

Chorus
you make me burn------------
inside and out
you make me burn----
I don't wanna put the fire out
you make me burn---------
I'm ashes in your hands
you make me burn burn burn

Verse II
from head to toe I seem to burst into flame
every time someone speaks your name
smoke alarms are ringing all over the place
every time I see your face

Chorus

Bridge
if only you'd hold me tight in your arms
and turn these embers into a four alarm

Chorus

it's only little things, but i was told that i should change Ashes, in the chorus, to Embers becuase it's more "alive sounding." but then since i already had it in the bridge then Embers, in the bridge, would be changed to sparks. any opinions?

gregorio

I like embers in the chorus. Ashes does sound final, as if it is over. How about, "I'm tinder in your hands...". Tinder may not be the best word but something that will ignite when brought near fire (kindling)? How do you fit chords to your music?

Gnomes Amok

Its so generic it inspires almost zero emotional response

"I cant seem to get you out of my head
my heart has started beating fire instead"

Instead of what? A song should create its own little world that adds up somehow.. none of this adds up, and theres nothing worse than something that is both generic AND random.

Im not even sure what else I can say to fix this lol

skywalker21

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moderan

Are these lines something you would actually say to somebody? That's the question I always ask myself when writing lyrics as opposed to poetry that isn't meant to be set to music.
The equation of transcendent love to flame is so overdone that the fires have gone out. You really have to work at it to say something new. Look at what you have...what exactly about the look in the eyes of the object of adoration makes you burn, and what do you mean by burn, exactly? Describe those...try to avoid smoldering glances and other generic phrases.
Here's an example:
I Can't seem to get you out of my head
I can't quench the flame in my brain
my heart has started beating fire instead
my heart pumping gas through my veins
that look in your eyes when you smile that way
your glances to me are like higher octane
say more about you than any words can say
and your smile is like nitromethane

lol...you could croon this to Tony Stewart or someone like that

here's another:

I Can't seem to get you out of my head
My thoughts are afire with desire
my heart has started beating fire instead
There's nothing can put out this fire
that look in your eyes when you smile that way
My body's on fire from head down to toes
say more about you than any words can say
So why don't you unreel your hose?

ok...slightly vulgar but why not? If the object of your affection is (insert pornstar name here) that last could work. The point is to consider what you're saying in greater depth than you have in this lyric. You can be subtle or come right out with it...but find a metaphor that works and run with it.

Is your love like a forest fire? A campfire? Is it so all-consuming that it sets the whole world on fire? Use the imagery.
If it's worth saying, it's worth saying well

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"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self." - Cyril Connolly

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."-Tom Waits