Mystery

This is the 11th(last) track off of the album "Blank Pages and Mirrors", and it is probably one of the better tracks meaning and depth wise, however I have a problem in that it feels and reads like a poem, the speed for the song is slow(it goes to about 7 minutes just with vocal parts) and thus the lines are usually spaced out and the it doesn't impact as hard, I do however need other views on this.

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Paper Angel --

Not come of age, Still stand alone
Have no courage, Frail of bone
Your father has no hand in mercy
And for your mother you do not pleed
For she is guilty as the ripper
For she does not act where there is need

You hide alone, within yourself
Introverted you sleep in hell
Every dream is blank with fear
In a moments waking he could be near

Pen in hand and thoughts are rich
Misery, muse of disease
Down it goes and black blood takes form
You hide your face, but show your scorn

Silently toiling, not thinking of pain
What you put down of paper, is empty again
Tides ebb and flow and so does your master
You may have found salvation but it needs disaster
Waves smash and pound and toil against skin
The rotten face that gnarls at you, it eats you from within

You hide alone, within yourself,
You never sleep for fear of someone else
Every dream is filled anew
While stained paper, and black stains a few

Pen in hand your thoughts take form
A knight in armour is not what you have born
A visage of vengeance, broken and maimed
She is you, your misery fraimed

Inside it's boiling, bubbling and putrid
It's getting closer, you must let loose it
Can't you hear her calling out your name
As another hand renders you in pain
Let it free, it might not feel good
but it will take away those who have misunderstood

You hide alone, you fear yourself
Power not inside, but hidden high on your shelf
Every night it descends, and every day it bargains
And soon you don't know if you can argue

It got too big, you can't control it
The monsters let loose and you adore it
You pat it and love it and feed it plenty
It feasts on limbs and souls of mercy
It eats and stains its golden teeth
You polish them every day before its sleep

You do note hide, not anymore
You've let anger from within your core
You've given shape, to a violent angel
He is your saviour, but your soul has tangled

Go away now sweet child, resume your path
You have only way way, and you will go to hell

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And a reminder, I don't care about what you think of my opinions or judgments in my lyrics.

__________________
Imagine what you could do if you didn't require sleep... Now calculate all the hours you've lost so far with sleep, Insomnia ain't seeming so bad now is it?

kingajcice

Interesting, Dark, A bit sinister,

That's what makes it good.

I think that the song captures you bit by bit, like I mean each few lines is really what you remember, while you're reading the lyric. Not the lines before it or after it, just what you're reading at the moment.

Also, I don't think it should be a problem that it's seven minutes. There are so many great songs that are long. Maybe not the genre, but that doesn't mean you can't have one that long. If there's some other constraint I don't see here, I apologize, but I don't see why you couldn't have a seven minute long song. If people really liked it I guarantee they would listen to it.

Well, I caught that immediately, sorry, I didn't see the(just the vocal parts), how long do you think it would go including other parts? If it's not over 10 minutes I still don't see a huge problem.

__________________
"Life's a box of crackers,"
"How?"
"I don't know,"

T.W. North

This is a tough one...the words are gorgous...but the lack of a chorus really does harm this. Especially if its as long as you say, a long, slow song like that has to have some sort of catchyness to it, otherwise people will get bored and tune out, which, with lyrics like this, you don't want. I mean, you have a form of chorus...but not really, the change is too drastic.

Nor does all of this sound like a particularly slow song, alot of the chorus have the impact of a heavy song, some of them rising and some of them from the get go.

Apart from that, the only problem with this is this verse:
It got too big, you can't control it
The monsters let loose and you adore it
You pat it and love it and feed it plenty
It feasts on limbs and souls of mercy
It eats and stains its golden teeth
You polish them every day before its sleep
..which is really quite tacky.

Mystery

Hmm yes, the last verse will need some work, but then again it's got a childish quality to it which is what I like, since the lyrics are about a child, so I thought it would be good to give a childish angle for it as well.

The song isn't light T.W, just slow, it's actually got quite a few unorthodoxly heavy segments in it, and the lack of chorus is attributed to a more instrumental hook, that variates slightly every time to show the "moster" part of the lyric getting more and more predominant(in other words, it gets heavier and faster after every verse in a way and concludes abruptly and very sharply).

I'll keep it the way it is for now and wait for some more critisism.

By the way, its actually 11 minutes long because it contains a call and response type solo performance from me and another guitarist. I love long songs, I only commented on the length to let people know that it was actually going to span quite some time so they could better grasp the lyrics.

__________________
Imagine what you could do if you didn't require sleep... Now calculate all the hours you've lost so far with sleep, Insomnia ain't seeming so bad now is it?

kingajcice

oh, ok

__________________
"Life's a box of crackers,"
"How?"
"I don't know,"

T.W. North

Ah, see, now I've got an Amorphis/Opeth type thing in my mind. Which is quite a weird sound...xD