ThePhoenix

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"Have you ever been alone in a crowded room? Well, I'm here with you..."~Jack's Mannequin~

T.W. North

Hmm, despite what you think, it has a lot of potential. The first verse in particular is down right great. From there, yes, it gets bad. The second verse is dreadful, drop it entirely. The chorus...has potential...but needs fixing.

ThePhoenix

alright...thanks, I'll work on it and post it again soon...

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"Have you ever been alone in a crowded room? Well, I'm here with you..."~Jack's Mannequin~

i think i can

i agree with T.W,it has alot of potential. i dont know much about song writing and poetry gets me down. im here for moral support. its just my opinion as a casual reader,that the last line is confusing; i dont agree with him that you should toss out the last verse,i think it has a bit of potential and can be like a foundation, build on it and see where it takes you.

Best of luck man! =)

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a Great thinker once said. "i do whatever i want"-Bart Simpson

T.W. North

Sorry, I didn't explain myself properly, I meant toss it as in..change it alot...because it works on an entirely different level to the rest of the song. It's too objective and to the point whereas the first verse is a little more abstract.