Tearing Myself Apart - Writers Forum

silent-wish · 04-18-2008, 02:24 PM

Tired from running away
Exasperated by disarray
Lost among crossroads
Suffered from sorrows
But… but… but

Why does the world have to be so cruel?
Why does it need to be such a struggle?
Giving so much, gaining so little
And what’s at the end of the tunnel?
Nothing but death awaits

[[ Chorus ]]
Life isn’t a fairytale
Love doesn’t have a happy ending
Dreams doesn’t leave a trail
Reward is the new wrongdoing
Tell me is there
Anything worth chasing for?
Anything that haven’t been done,
Been said, been used before?
No, no, no, oh, oh.

No point keep wasting away
It’s time to break free
It’s never too late
You shouldn’t wait
But… but…but…

The ever lasting candlelight
Just ended in the dark
Hoping too much, doing too little
Nothing in sight,
Am I going blind?
And what’s at the end of the tunnel?
Nothing but death awaits.

[[ Chorus ]]
Life isn’t a fairytale
Love doesn’t have a happy ending
Dreams doesn’t leave a trail
Reward is the new wrongdoing
Tell me is there
Anything worth chasing for?
Anything that haven’t been done,
Been said, been used before?
No, no, no, oh, oh.

Money won’t fall from trees
Success don’t follow the wind
Dust won’t capture the heart
Am I tearing myself apart?
What’s the point of trying when…
When you know you wont reach your…
Destination, won’t score that goal.

[[ Chorus ]]
Life isn’t a fairytale
Love doesn’t have a happy ending
Dreams doesn’t leave a trail
Reward is the new wrongdoing
Tell me is there
Anything worth chasing for?
Anything that haven’t been done,
Been said, been used before?
No, no, no, oh, oh.

What do you think?

ThePhoenix · 04-18-2008, 04:03 PM

I really like it, partly because I can relate to it... :thumbsup

Kyper · 04-20-2008, 07:04 AM

Yeah, you see i don't relate to it but it's got enough meaning in it that it makes me want to relate to it. Which might be a good sign for you at least.
For me, not so good have a 3 month old son to look after and a boyfriend who is barely making a living i'm already struggling so to loose him would be a nightmare.

So there are a couple of things i would change, but so far you're achieving more that me i can write verses but not choruses, i suck at them.

"Why does the world have to be so cruel?
Why does it need to be such a struggle?
Giving so much, gaining so little
And what’s at the end of the tunnel?
Nothing but death awaits"

I would change the 'and' in the 4th line to a 'but' or a 'so'. Because, if i interpret this correctly (stereo-typing here) she's giving so much but recieving very little so in the end whats she going to get out of this experience.

"Dreams doesn’t leave a trail"
I would use 'don't' instead of 'doesn't' here because it doesn't really fit where you put it.

There's just a couple of things i picked up on.
But i got to go, baby's crying.
Hope my criticism helps.

Mwa!

silent-wish · 04-20-2008, 07:15 AM

thanks
it does help
and choruses... they are not hard, i guess you just have to search within yourself and then it'll flow naturally

T.W. North · 04-22-2008, 09:23 PM

No, but chorus' have to be catchy, and not cliche, which is an extremely hard line to walk.

Anyway, I advise taking a slightly more metaphorical avenue for this...this has been done a lot before...and in much the same manner.