ThePhoenix

*Verse*
It seems like I can't feel anymore,
These cuts on my wrists,
those lips on my lips,
And I'll swallow my fears
As I drown In these tears
To broken to move on
*Chorus*
Where were you when I needed you most?
Bleeding out on the bathroom floor
As I shift into ghost,
I'll never know anymore
Than the hurt, the pain,
the suffering and the shame
*verse2*
Shift and Fade into black,
As I take up the slack
And I'll follow the wind
Untill the very end
and the darkness overcomes us all
*chorus*
(end, repeated twice)
Swallow my fears
Drown in my tears
Bleeding on the floor
I will love no more
(end 2, repeat twice)
Wipe away my tears
Drown my fears
bleeding on the floor
I will live no more...

ThePhoenix

will somebody please comment???

Absentia

Sad lyrics or poetry can very easily be subject to ridicule if they are not executed well. First of all I think your lines have very little substance. Try to think of how many songs there are with this exact same message, expressed in nearly the exact same way. Your writing should stand out and be something interesting, not another piece of hay in a haystack.

Metaphors and figurative language could be your best friend with this song. You could change "cuts" from line two into "fissure", as an example. This word is not only more interesting, but paints a more vibrant picture.

Your best lines here were,
"Bleeding out on the bathroom floor
As I shift into (a?) ghost"

Abstract thinking is very helpful.

__________________

We once had blue eyes, probing the skies
Now they are blackened from this modern life
All privatized, industrialized - a failure
Offensive and sore to the eye

ThePhoenix

Thanks...

__________________
"Have you ever been alone in a crowded room? Well, I'm here with you..."~Jack's Mannequin~

T.W. North

I agree with absentia for the most part, but those two lines he pointed out...well, they're pretty generic as well, especially the bathroom floor one. Why do people always bleed in the bathroom? A bedroom is far more realistic.

Absentia

I didn't mean they were special. I just meant they were slightly less bland compared to the rest of it.

__________________

We once had blue eyes, probing the skies
Now they are blackened from this modern life
All privatized, industrialized - a failure
Offensive and sore to the eye