Hello...You? - Writers Forum

ThePhoenix · 04-16-2008, 04:34 PM

Its really short, but I couldn't really get anymore out of the emotion, I guess the point is just...there???

Hello God? or Holy Being
are you really there?
Or are you just an ethereal haze
That will come at the end of days
and prove to us that we were wrong
in thinking that you had sealed our fates

Hello God? or Lord
Or Father of me?
How can that be?
Because you aren't here
or maybe even there
or are you?

thamior · 04-17-2008, 06:42 AM

It's a good start. But even if you didn't add more, there's a bit to adjust in this short piece (though I'm always a fan of more). For one, we only get one line of an image "Or are you just an ethereal haze", I want more of that, you show right now that you're capable. Also, try your best to recapture the emotion. Read or sing the lyric aloud to yourself, or do something likely to put you in that place. Whatever it might be.

I like the start, I want to see it develop. First task, add more images.

ThePhoenix · 04-17-2008, 03:51 PM

Thanks, I really apreciate your comments, I'll take them into consideration...

montana a-10 · 04-17-2008, 08:32 PM

I like it a lot but you could add more
This is a theme that most people have struggled with at some point in time
So it is easy to relate to

T.W. North · 04-17-2008, 09:08 PM

I don't see why everyone always thinks you need to add more. Personally I think this is good how it is, if you add more you run the risk of sounding pretentious.

Crash_Tomas · 04-17-2008, 09:29 PM

I've heard lots of songs that have fewer words than this and are really good. They aren't drawn out or anything, just short songs with long instrumentals in between words. Some others just go fast and are done in about 1 1/2 minutes. But if the lyrics are good, the song is good.

I notice people use the word pretentious alot. Kind of like the word "cliche" I don't understand what the big deal with them is. Cliche's are awesome...

ThePhoenix · 04-18-2008, 01:04 PM

I apreciate all the feedback...