Song - Alone in the Rain - Writers Forum

thamior · 04-15-2008, 01:04 PM

What does it feel like to be sentimental? To reminisce in the moment, but to earn that feeling? Looking at this lyric, after the fact, it is very sentimental in nature, written about recent events transpired, and I guess that's what fuels me is those sentimental moments. I've written of other things, but, more often than not, I'll return to what got me writing in the first place. So, that put out there, I present to you another lyric. I've not been active lately. It's been difficult when I've lacked the inspiration, and my mechanism for dealing with it seems to be a bit ironic. I run from some of the best places of inspiration, including here. Maybe because I'm afraid that even these places will fail to inspire, and fill me with the sense of hopelessness that has crushed my inspiration in the first place.

Alone in the Rain

I stand in the walls of the ocean,

my hands deep within the mist.

My mind dancing in fluid motion,

how I’ll remember what I missed.

In the dark of the truth in shadow,

I feel hollow as the moments pass.

A cold tinge of what I’ve come to know,

I feel like broken glass.

Chrous:

Now I’m left all alone in the rain,

struggling hard to hold it through.

When everything just feels the same,

you just want something else to be true.

My footsteps traced like shadows behind,

it’s not hard to guess where I will go.

But where have I been spending my time?

The shadows close on my window.

*chorus*

I can’t see through the glass that’s stained,

I just want to see the sun shine again.

I stand in the court of life arraigned,

where the process just begins.

Bridge:

Sometimes I feel the ice cling to my soul

and shiver as its crystals form on my heart.

Though I strike with all that’s in me for control,

I often feel its chill wedge me apart.

*chorus*

T.W. North · 04-15-2008, 10:26 PM

Quote:

I can’t to see through the glass that’s stained,

^was there supposed to be an extra word in there?

The chorus doesn't work. I mean, some great wording in there, but it feels like another verse, rather than a string of words to be repeated and to drill into your mind. It's not hard hitting, its not catchy and it doesn't sum anything up. Essentially, its not a chorus.

Apart from that, well, I love the wording. Really, I do, but it does seem almost overcrowded by the sheer weight of metaphors. I'm not sure though.

thamior · 04-15-2008, 10:54 PM

It was a typo. I thank you for your comments, all I can say on the chorus is that an effective voice is needed to put the power needed in order to lift the chorus above the rest. But I will certainly be looking at this again when I get a moment.

Mystery · 04-16-2008, 12:12 PM

I know you hate to hear this from me, but it's cliche.
Not in the "oh I've heard that a million times" cliche, in the "how many times are you gonna rhyme you with true" kind of cliche, and it brings the piece down a lot. There's several words you could have used to richen your piece, and you have the vocabulary to be aware of them, all you need is the will to use them.

thamior · 04-16-2008, 12:47 PM

I knew you were going to say that though, and it's fine. It's very sentimental-ish and cliche, but I simply don't see it as a bad thing at the moment. The images inspired me, and the topic was very real to me. If anything, it's a hopeful indicator that I'll be able to turn out some other lyrics soon.

Mystery · 04-16-2008, 02:37 PM

Thamior, there is such a thing as accepting critisism objectively.

Cliche-dome is a bad thing, wherever you view it as such or not, because to other people, it demeans the worth of your speech.

ThePhoenix · 04-16-2008, 03:43 PM

I really like it... Especially the lines

Quote:

I stand in the walls of the ocean,

my hands deep within the mist.

My mind dancing in fluid motion,

how I’ll remember what I missed.

I'll give you 4.5 stars out of five

:thumbs up

thamior · 04-17-2008, 06:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mystery

Thamior, there is such a thing as accepting critisism objectively.

Cliche-dome is a bad thing, wherever you view it as such or not, because to other people, it demeans the worth of your speech.

I hope you're attempting to use objectively correctly. There was nothing inherently "subjective" about my response. I took your critique just as I would anyone else who posted the same thing. I understand the "cliche" I anticipated the argument. All I can say is look for something else from me then and forget about this lyric. Its subject matter is cliche, and, to me, cliche is acceptable in this instance. If it is not to you, then I thank you for your comments and hope you'll find another lyric worthy of critiquing.

thamior · 04-17-2008, 06:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThePhoenix

I really like it... Especially the lines

I'll give you 4.5 stars out of five

:thumbs up

Thanks. Any other specific comments? Anything about the 0.5 lacking?

Mystery · 04-17-2008, 12:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thamior

I hope you're attempting to use objectively correctly. There was nothing inherently "subjective" about my response. I took your critique just as I would anyone else who posted the same thing. I understand the "cliche" I anticipated the argument. All I can say is look for something else from me then and forget about this lyric. Its subject matter is cliche, and, to me, cliche is acceptable in this instance. If it is not to you, then I thank you for your comments and hope you'll find another lyric worthy of critiquing.

What I meant was learn to take critique without thinking of your own emotions, or the backdrop of your lyric. There is technique in music as there is in writing, and when someone calls your technique "cliche" in either, your emotion can be amazing, but it still cheapens the value of what you play, and technique is the one thing that NEVER stops getting better, and always improves with two things, effort and practice.

If you understand that and still give the same response, there isn't enough value on what you're trying to say for me to care for another response.

thamior · 04-17-2008, 04:04 PM

It's nothing about the same response. I just feel we'll end up disagreeing on this piece, so it's better to just look to the next one and I'll tend to this piece with the other suggestions made.

If something is cliche, to me, I tend to just rip it up and start over again. I'm not going to do that to this one, because I'm accepting the cliche. You don't, so we disagree, and thus I am trying to stem off an argument by just saying that I'm sure there will be more to discuss in my next lyric.

T.W. North · 04-17-2008, 09:04 PM

Thiamor is right in this case.

And Mystery, considering you're generally the only person who dislikes things, unless I come along and agree, I suggest things don't demean their value quite as much as you like to think. I think you think that because you don't like something, it can't be good. Which is rubbish, just personal opinion. I'm not telling you not to comment, but don't think you're 100% correct all the time.

thamior · 05-18-2008, 11:41 AM

Man, I haven't been on here in a little while. I have another lyric for you guys which I may post later today or after finals. And, of course, I'll walk around the block and see what you guys are up to in your writing.

Mystery · 05-18-2008, 06:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by T.W. North

Thiamor is right in this case.

And Mystery, considering you're generally the only person who dislikes things, unless I come along and agree, I suggest things don't demean their value quite as much as you like to think. I think you think that because you don't like something, it can't be good. Which is rubbish, just personal opinion. I'm not telling you not to comment, but don't think you're 100% correct all the time.

/sigh

If you can honestly find me someone who is critiquing lyrics here, who doesn't fall in one of these categories:
- Over the age of 40
- Mainstream listener(no, various brands of metal aren't outside of mainstream, not anymore)

I'll take that seriously.

For a real answer, PM me.