Last Words of the Unknown Lover - Writers Forum

ThePhoenix · 04-12-2008, 05:57 PM

Suffocate on these words I’ve never said
As I toss and turn in the empty bed
You could never love me
You could never feel
This pain in my heart is so, so real

I will fall down
never get back up
I can not erase
All these simple cuts
I’m brusied beyond words
I’ve lost all control
I guess I’ll be alone in this world

We can try to erase my story,
My lifetime in distress
But we can’t erase,
All these wounds that have been set

???

Damian_Rucci · 04-12-2008, 08:54 PM

I like this one a lot better than your other. I love the last verse, but it still seems a little short, or it could just be me, but good job.

T.W. North · 04-12-2008, 09:17 PM

^You forget words can be drawn out and music can take lead over words.

Anyway, I really like this song, its simple in a good way and the words flow alot better than alot of the stuff I've seen around recently. Good job, although I'm...very unsure about the title.

Mystery · 04-13-2008, 05:34 AM

I don't like this song, and I'll tell you why.

It's pretentious, it and/or you think it's something it isn't. What follows the title is lackluster, it's cliche'd and it just seems like im listening to another screamo band of 25 year olds crying about their prom night.

You have forgotten to use the following:
- Vocabulary
- Literary devices
- Lateral Thought

ThePhoenix · 04-14-2008, 04:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mystery

I don't like this song, and I'll tell you why.

It's pretentious, it and/or you think it's something it isn't. What follows the title is lackluster, it's cliche'd and it just seems like im listening to another screamo band of 25 year olds crying about their prom night.

You have forgotten to use the following:
- Vocabulary
- Literary devices
- Lateral Thought

I apreciate the feedback... Notes taken...