Pain from the Past - Writers Forum

BackStreetGirl · 04-02-2008, 01:34 PM

I cannot believe I am doing this. I really hope you all like it; I don't, but I thought I should see what other people think...

Here it goes...

Pain From the Past

When I look at you, I don’t know who you are

And I wish oh so badly, that I was one of your friends

Maybe then I'd actually get to know you

Maybe then you'd actually like me

I've tried so hard to fix my trust in you, you broke long ago

I've tried to forget the pain you've caused me

And the many tears you brought to my eyes

But I can't get over the things that you've done to me

The scars are too deep and the pain is too strong

[Chorus]

I can't get rid of the chip on my shoulder

And I can't believe any words that you say

I've lost my trust in you a long time ago

Every word that escapes your lips, to me is a lie

Nothing you say will make me believe

And nothing you do will make me trust

Pain from the past is running inside of me

My heart is still aching its scared so badly

Still I don’t know why

I look up to you

I admire you

I love you…

nacreous · 04-21-2008, 04:05 PM

its really sweet, and sad, and very pretty. One thing I can say is that its all emotion and nothing concrete. maybe thats how you want it, but most songs and poems also have some tie to the material world as well as an emotional content.
keep working on this, please.

ThePhoenix · 04-21-2008, 04:14 PM

I really like one thing I would change is

Quote:

I've lost my trust in you a long time ago

I would change it to

"I lost my trust in you a long time ago"

it might flow a little better???

Absentia · 04-21-2008, 05:46 PM

To be objective and honest, this sounds very bland. Lyrics are a form of poetry, and when you hear the same poem in an unoriginal way dozens and dozens of times it begins to grow stale. This could benefit from more involving imagery, world play, anything really.

You have a good foundation, but I would expand on it.