Zorell

I would relally like some feedback on this song, because, so far, my friends all think it's morbid. But I'm not so sure. I haven't included the break down of the verses versus the choruses because it be a bit verbose.

This gets harder everyday
How much more can I take
Life never offers breaks
Just gets riddled with mistakes
And I'm thinking how can I
Let the time pass on by
When I know that I can stop
Before the lifeline gets chopped

Cause life is what life is
And fate is all yours
Death is inevitable
But life goes on

When we talk, words just get in the way
And no matter what we do, and no matter what we say
People already feel that they get the gist
But all they really have is their misconceptions
And closed ears, and closed minds, empty hearts, and eyes
That can be held responsible for shearing at lifelines

Cause life is
Us getting through the day
And pain is
When fear don't go away
But death is still inevitable
Can life go on

Snip, snap
Oh, look at that
What today we see
Is tomorrow's memory
And as the pain and the death
They berate like rain
Life goes on,
But it ain't the same

Life is what life is
And death is who death is
Pain is your fear
And fear is your life
Death falls upon no one who never faced strife

Living for tomorrow
Begging for no sorrow
How much more can I take
As my lifeline starts to shake
My life is uppside down
And my feet ain't on the ground
As I stumble through the air
Blanketed in fear

But life...it stops
And the clock...(tick tock)
But death...waits all along

But life is what life is-and pain is what pain is- death is who death- and your fear? Is your weakness

__________________
Life is lighter when you shed your leaves,
better when you nurture your branches,
and more fulfilled when you strengthen your roots.

Olly Buckle

The ending of the first verse made me think it was going to be a "cocaine" song.
Shearing off, not at
'Cause (short for because) This also seems stating the obvious, an opinion.

First line next part, "just" seldom adds meaning, you could maintain the rythm of the line and give it a twist as:-
How can we talk? Words get in the way
Just an example, I am sure you can find stronger words than "just"
Misconceptions worries me, wrong ideas seems more lyrical, but these are trivialities.
Regarding your question I can well see that you intended it purely to be "realistic" , however these things are relative and in the context of song people think gaiety/laughter/goodtimes so reality counts as gloomy.

__________________
Never mind the avatar, see me on you tube.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JyVvr9EHBDU

YouTube - Toothpaste

Find all threads started by Olly Buckle

Zorell

Thanks, especially since you explained why it comes off gloomy, my freind assumed I was depressed. I have proof now! (That I'm not.)

__________________
Life is lighter when you shed your leaves,
better when you nurture your branches,
and more fulfilled when you strengthen your roots.