ANNIE'S GONE - Writers Forum

Chris71 · 02-27-2008, 10:48 AM

ANNIE'S GONE

She stands in the middle of the crowd
Tears flowing from her blue green eyes
Her hands hang limp at her side
Something in the girl has died

The crowd with vacant eyes, walk on past
They don't see her standing there
They can't see the aching in her heart
They don't feel the pain of her despair

CHORUS
Annie's gone
He wanted her, but he didn't want Annie
Said he'd leave if she kept the baby
She loved him way too much to see
The dirty trick he played on her and Annie
Annie's gone

BRIDGE
Annie came by their love
Isn't that what love is all about
So many things she could not understand
How could he love her and want the baby out

She drove around for hours, in the rain
Filled with the anger, the fear and the pain
Till she can't take it any more
That's when she pushed the pedal to the floor
Now she's gone

CHORUS
He wanted her, but he didn't want Annie
Said he'd leave if she kept the baby
She loved him way too much to see
The dirty trick he played on her and Annie
Annie's gone

Chris71

Angel101 · 02-29-2008, 04:37 PM

I like this idea. I can see a really nice acoustic part with this song. There were two things I didn't like, though.

Quote:

blue green

I don't like this at all. It sort of caught me off guard and disrupted the flow of the song.

Quote:

The dirty trick he played on her and Annie

I think that's what's really bothering me about the line. I don't know why. It just doesn't really seem to fit. Honestly, I think the whole line needs revision.

Other than that, I really enjoyed the piece. Nice work.

Chris71 · 02-29-2008, 06:55 PM

Angel101 Thank you for your comments. Without critiques from other lyric and or song writers,we have no path to follow in our quest for the perfect song

CMM_Kaleido · 03-21-2008, 12:12 AM

I am sorry I can't comment on these in terms of lyrics and not just as stories. This one is heartbreaking. Both for the mom and little unrealized Annie. Giving the child a name gives this piece its heart. Well crafted story, evokes strong emotion.

kaytea111 · 03-21-2008, 08:57 AM

i really like it
well written
nice form and everything
good imagery
good job (Y)

Chris71 · 03-21-2008, 10:42 AM

CMM Kaleido; Thank you for stopping by, I try to stay on the lighter side of life, but this story is too true to ignore.

Kaytea111; Thank you for your kind words, I think I'm getting the hang of it.

T.W. North · 03-21-2008, 07:37 PM

You have a habit of spelling it out that I don't like. In the chorus, try not to say 'baby' it kinda just kicks the reader/listener into realising what you're talking about. Instead try to gently bring it out over the course of the song rather than just smacking it in our faces.

Chris71 · 03-22-2008, 11:28 PM

Thank you for your comments: Some times, you have to hit people up long side the head, just to get their attention. Then you can tell them what you need to tell them. Sorry you didn't care for the structure, I'll work on that.

T.W. North · 03-23-2008, 03:18 AM

..wha? you just argued what I said then commented you're sorry for what I thought and you'd work on it...contradiction much?

Chris71 · 03-23-2008, 11:18 PM

Go to "Sweet tender lies"