See you later mum - Writers Forum

Olly Buckle · 02-24-2008, 04:10 PM

People keep telling me in the poetry forum that my poems sound like songs, well this was written with a reggae type tune in my head, so it really is a song.

See you later mum.

See you later mum and the days begun
Slipping out the door and sliding into slang
Off to explore with Jack and all the gang
Cool of the river and the green overhang

Kids fullof happiness, kids full of fun
Days full of hours, hours full of sun

Lost in time with a tree to climb

Flat back blue sky scent of hay
Soft sodden smell of the flowering may

Kids full of happiness, kids full of fun
Days full of hours, hours full of sun

Noonday, June day, afternoon

Short sharp snick of a fine trip wire
Crackle of twigs and a blossom of fire

Kids full of happiness, kids full of fun
Days full of hours, hours full of sun

Red and orange to a golden glow
Long time gone time, time to go
Aim for the top with one last throw
YOU! Little so and so

Chris71 · 02-25-2008, 10:21 AM

Olly, have'nt they heard of melodic poetry? I don't pretend to be a poet, but I thought poetry should have meter and flow though the mind like music.

The one line I'm still working on: "Short sharp snick of a fine trip wire"

I have'nt figured that line out yet. Chris71

Olly Buckle · 02-25-2008, 06:05 PM

It's kids out pretending, all those games of catching rabbits, alarms to defend armed camps, crafty traps to ensnare the enemies of Robin Hood, they all involve the basic trick of the trip wire and short sharp snick is a great sound that recalls the sound of the trap being sprung. Hope that helps, maybe it's abit obscure for a song?

Amadeus · 02-26-2008, 12:54 AM

This is good stuff, Olly! So much to enjoy; espesh the "flat back" couplet which has great redolence and enviable succintness. It engages the senses wonderfully. Were it to be put to music, perhaps it might be more "Brown-eyed Girl" than the reggae you speak of...Perhaps the last stanza jars a little in that one hears that rotten parent's call! But how well you have captured the seemingly endless hours of childhood. Respect!