"Green House" - Writers Forum

Damian_Rucci · 02-14-2008, 02:07 PM

HTML Code:

hello everyone this is a brand spanking new song. It is still very rough, so please try your best to help me with fixing any problems. Thanks

We will light up the colors on our flag
We will make our stars shine
We can stop...this

Innocents, death by fire
Is it just? no, liar
Families separated
Our great motto torn and jaded
No more compromise, we must rise!

*Chorus*:
We will charge to the green house
Coward, scurry away, like a mouse
So much corruption
Must stop, or one last eruption!

We will fix our ways
Back to our pride filled days
We will stop...this

So green!
Be keen!
Conquer the evil, greed
So obsessed, still won't feed
The children in our own land
We leave it up to god's hand!

*Chorus*

We will rise up again
We will mend
We must stop...this

Now revert to innocence
From 8 long years of turbulence
Coward, you must confess
Your safety behind your desk
While sand lines our heroes grave
Think, you could have saved, them

*Chorus*

thamior · 02-14-2008, 07:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Damian_Rucci

We will fight for our right!
We will use all our might
We can stop...this

Eh, this first verse is a bit too cliche, I know I've heard the first line several times before. You're capable of better.

Children dying!
People frying!
From the bomb fall!
Families separated
Our great motto torn and jaded
No more compromise, we must rise! This is better, the first couple rhymes are a bit obvious and this weaken it. But I particularly like the 4rth and 5th lines

*Chorus*:
We will march to the house thats white
We won't back down, we'll fight
So much corruption
Must stop, or one last eruption! I'm iffy, once again didn't like the first two lines, but the last two were nice. Really, the ight rhymes tend to border on weakening anything they're in, I find them all the time in my lyrics.

We will fix our ways
Back to our pride filled days
We will stop...this Nice use of consistent lines, and the first two are better, though no images.

So green!
Be keen!
Conquer the evil, greed
So obsessed, still won't feed
The children in our own land
We leave it up to god's hand! Interesting, but I do like this, probably favorite so far.

*Chorus*

We will rise up again
We will mend
We must stop...this good

Now revert to innocence
From 8 long years of turbulence
Coward, you must confess
Your safety behind your desk
While sand lines our heroes grave
Think, you could have saved, them Ah... here's the best verse in the lyric.

*Chorus*

I liked it. I think your largest problem is balancing images a bit more often in there, and you might want to think deeper on the lines where obvious rhymes lie.

Damian_Rucci · 02-14-2008, 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thamior

I liked it. I think your largest problem is balancing images a bit more often in there, and you might want to think deeper on the lines where obvious rhymes lie.

Thanks so much, I realize what you mean and now I'm thinking like why the hell did I do that? I'm going to revise a lot of it tonight, I'll repost it again tomorrow probably. Gotta figure out how to work some better imagery into it.

T.W. North · 02-15-2008, 12:04 AM

I'll give my proper critique when you post again, this one is just really really bad.

Damian_Rucci · 02-15-2008, 05:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by T.W. North

I'll give my proper critique when you post again, this one is just really really bad.

Alright I posted an edited version changed some lines in the first verse, and in the chorus, tell me what you think. if it needs work, tell me what needs to be fixed