"Paybacks a Bitch" - Writers Forum

Damian_Rucci · 02-09-2008, 03:25 PM

HTML Code:

Warning: Strong Language

Here we go this is a song I have written. It is meant to be for a heavy metal, with a lot of screaming involved. I know that there isnt a lot of description ; its meant that way. Please comment and leave criticism

"Paybacks a Bitch"

The sun sets upon us all
Checking my list as they start to fall
'They're all so great
Let's see now whats their fate?
Bleeding knuckle lullaby
Pounding down till they cry
Check em off when they die!

*Chorus:*
(Revenger! ) x 3
(Avenger )
You're all going to die
Not physically, but I'll rip up your mind
Drop your scape goat, I'll kill you on the inside
When I leave you'll be trying to find
Life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You all think you know me
Now you fucking owe me, your agony
'You all think you're so strong'
'But how will you last long?'
Bleeding knuckles lullaby
Pounding down till they cry
Check em off when they die!

*Chorus*

So many angry ideas
Try to run, shit, I'll reveal your fears
'Oh god you're so cool'
Yet you're just my fuel
Bleeding knuckle lullaby
Pounding down till they cry
Check em off when they die

Punch! Kick!
Make you sick!
Pounding round!
Breaking bone, the sound!
Bleed you dry
Make you cry
Mother fucker you wish you would die!

*Chorus* (2)

thamior · 02-09-2008, 10:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Damian_Rucci

HTML Code:

Warning: Strong Language

Here we go this is a song I have written. It is meant to be for a heavy metal, with a lot of screaming involved. I know that there isnt a lot of description ; its meant that way. Please comment and leave criticism

"Paybacks a Bitch"

The sun sets upon us all
Checking my list as they start to fall
'They're all so great
Let's see now whats their fate?
Bleeding knuckle lullaby
Pounding down till they cry
Check em off when they die!

*Chorus:*
(Revenger! ) x 3
(Avenger )
You're all going to die
Not physically, but I'll rip up your mind
Drop your scape goat, I'll kill you on the inside
When I leave you'll be trying to find
Life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You all think you know me
Now you fucking owe me, your agony
'You all think you're so strong'
'But how will you last long?'
Bleeding knuckles lullaby
Pounding down till they cry
Check em off when they die!

*Chorus*

So many angry ideas
Try to run, shit, I'll reveal your fears
'Oh god you're so cool'
Yet you're just my fuel
Bleeding knuckle lullaby
Pounding down till they cry
Check em off when they die

Punch! Kick!
Make you sick!
Pounding round!
Breaking bone, the sound!
Bleed you dry
Make you cry
Mother fucker you wish you would die!

*Chorus* (2)

All in all, interesting. I would suggest more images, but you've already made a point that that's not the focus. It gives the vibe of... anger.

Damian_Rucci · 02-10-2008, 11:18 AM

Thanks, yeah It just supposed to be a song that just expresses anger, all in all

thamior · 02-10-2008, 10:11 PM

Well, it did that quite well. Though a bit angsty as well.

Damian_Rucci · 02-11-2008, 07:23 AM

Yeh, usually I write songs with more imagery and description but I was real angry when I wrote this. I decided not to add anything to it, just leave it how it is

thamior · 02-11-2008, 06:54 PM

Pure emotion is a good thing to write about. Sometimes you get something good, sometimes you get something "eh". Ultimately, you're the one to decide that. If anything, it gives you content for another lyric later. But I liked it.

Eli Cash · 02-11-2008, 07:18 PM

You need an apostrophe in your title.

"Payback's a Bitch"

Damian_Rucci · 02-11-2008, 07:35 PM

Thanks thamior, and yeah I'll change the title. I didn't realize that

nia mora · 02-13-2008, 12:08 AM

Wow, very intense. I can almost feel your blood boiling and your fist clenching as you wrote this.

My favorite lines:

"You're all going to die
Not physically, but I'll rip up your mind"

All I have to say to that is wow. That struck a chord with me.

T.W. North · 02-13-2008, 02:34 AM

I want you to go look up lyrics from Korn, Disturbed, Limp Bizkit and any other Nu Metal band like them (not Linkin Park, they manage to keep swearing and stuff like that out of their lyrics.) Is there a difference between theirs and yours? Yes. Theirs was original at the time.

Damian_Rucci · 02-13-2008, 05:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by T.W. North

I want you to go look up lyrics from Korn, Disturbed, Limp Bizkit and any other Nu Metal band like them (not Linkin Park, they manage to keep swearing and stuff like that out of their lyrics.) Is there a difference between theirs and yours? Yes. Theirs was original at the time.

what do you mean T.W.? I don't follow

And thanks nina yeah I intended hardcore anger

Tom · 02-13-2008, 03:00 PM

This isn't really my kind of music, though after reading the lyrics, like thamior said before:

Anger. Which is a good emotion, as you can work with it, which you have.

It was a different experience for me, and I enjoyed the read.

Tom.

Damian_Rucci · 02-13-2008, 03:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tom

This isn't really my kind of music, though after reading the lyrics, like thamior said before:

Anger. Which is a good emotion, as you can work with it, which you have.

It was a different experience for me, and I enjoyed the read.

Tom.

thanks for the read

T.W. North · 02-14-2008, 12:14 AM

I mean Damian, these types of lyrics have been done to death and no longer mean anything. Like I said to someone else, if you want to convey anger, do it through imagery and bitterness not just yelling out that they're a bitch or whatever. It's crap.

Damian_Rucci · 02-14-2008, 04:13 AM

Ah I see, thanks for the comment