"Self Destructive" - Writers Forum

Damian_Rucci · 02-07-2008, 06:04 PM

Code:

Hey guys long time no see! Haven't posted here for a while but I'm back. This song is a hard rock/metal song. I know not all the words rhyme, but its not meant to. So please check out the song and tell me what you think. Thanks

"Self Destructive"

We made our pledge
On the summer's edge
To stop all of this
We stopped all this shit
We couldn't talk nor regress
Can you remember?
I can't remember
Can't believe we used to be friends
Can't believe she said

*Chorus*:
We gotta stop all this drama
I'm a self destructive bomba
And I'm gonna cave in again
A kamikaze plane
When your driving me insane
And I'm gonna crash and burn

The sky's the limit
but when your pissed and finished
You're going no where
I know life's not fair
but when we parted ways
I sat and thought for days
And still had no solution
And with Earth's last revolution
She said

*Chorus*(2)

Let's just start a new slate
Cuz I've been debating fate
And I can't think anymore
With this heart's that gone, tore
Sinner's know my name (SAME!)
I relate, I feel the same
Cuz I'm dying as I preach
Yet you ignore my speech
And now I can't believe its through

Confusion.
Seclusion.
Hatred filled another contusion.
Help, lost, another illusion
Mixed, my thoughts stuck in a fusion

You know I would have changed
But, my minds deranged
I'm self destructive
A controlled suspect
One more violent aspect
And now I'm through

*chorus*

thamior · 02-07-2008, 06:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Damian_Rucci

We made our pledge
On the summer's edge
To stop all of this
We stopped all this shit
We couldn't talk nor regress
Can you remember?
I can't remember
Can't believe we used to be friends
Can't believe she said

I think this verse is very much reliant on the verse as a whole. Because of the short, staccato nature of the lines, no single line stands out as anything special. But, all together, it makes for a decent verse. As always, I promote the further use of images.

*Chorus*:
We gotta stop all this drama
I'm a self destructive bomba No, no, no... Sometimes the fake word that rhymes works well, but not in this piece. It sticks out as a LARGE sore thumb.
And I'm gonna cave in again
A kamikaze plane
When your driving me insane
And I'm gonna crash and burn

The rest of the chorus, however, is great. I see some good images, and there's a good concept being brought across.

The sky's the limit
but when your pissed and finished
You're going no where
I know life's not fair
but when we parted ways
I sat and thought for days
And still had no solution
And with Earth's last revolution
She said

Same thing as the first verse really. In the end, with how it's written, I doubt very much that any particular line is going to stand out. I liked this better than the first verse though. It was easier for me to picture a few of the concepts, and the writing felt a bit deeper and more pronounced.

*Chorus*(2)

Take away this hate
When I'm debating fate
And I can't think anymore
With this heart's that gone, tore
Sinner's know my name (SAME!)
I relate, I feel the same
Cuz I'm dying as I preach
Yet you ignore my speech
And now I can't believe its through

Hmm, I'm split on this verse. It progressively gets better, but the "Take away this hate/When I'm debating fate" is very weak. As it starts out your verse, it casts a shadow over the rest of it. I'd tweak that and see if you can pull something deeper.

Confusion.
Seclusion. Ah yes, the one word lines. I'm always a fan of them when the words are chosen wisely.
Hatred filled another contusion. Ack! The rhyme here could be a nice finish to the first two, but not if it feels forced. Might be better to leave the first two as they are and stop the rhyme before this line.
Help, lost, another illusion
Mixed, my thoughts stuck in a fusion

Ah, it's all the verse that rhymes. That's neat, but I still don't like contusion, perhaps see if something else can get the thought across? For some reason, contusion jumps out at me in a negative way.

Lost! why do i care
Confused! my mind is bare
I'm self destructive
A controlled suspect
One more violent aspect
And now I'm through

Everything but the first two lines is solid. But, just like the hate/fate, your care/bare leaves a lot to be desired. It simply sticks out negatively, and casts a sad shadow over the rest of the verse.

*chorus*

In general, I liked this piece. I can't say it was the most amazing piece ever, but it was solid and strong. I pointed out some areas I didn't like, most of them had to do with rhymes that I felt stuck out too much. There were some good images and thoughts in here.

Industrial · 02-07-2008, 06:59 PM

I think this would come off as a nice heavy metal piece. Needs improvement though.

T.W. North · 02-07-2008, 11:57 PM

Heavy metal? Hell no. This is good ol' rock 'n' roll. Can't you tell from the dodgy images and over the top wording?

Damian_Rucci · 02-08-2008, 04:44 AM

Thanks guys for the quick comments, I see some of the mistakes I made to it. I'm going to change it up a bit.