Mind Overrun - Writers Forum

T.W. North · 02-05-2008, 11:15 PM

Note: This is a metal song (Melodic Death Metal if you know of it) and large sections of it are screamed/grunted.

Through blue eyes the world is in shadow
Unto the hills the wolves are spreading forth
The smoothest flesh is rough in due time
The sharpest knife is blunt before long
Nothing will stop evolution

Blood will flow

Monkey see Monkey do
Monkey has an alibi
It's a mind being overrun

Words are precursers to the sons of man
Not even love can hide the wounds are taken light
The softest touch is hard in due time
The safest place is dangerous
Nothing will stop evolution

Tears will flow

Monkey see Monkey do
Monkey has an alibi
Baby wants Baby has
Baby never has enough
It's a mind being overrun

For children always see the worst
And they will grow into worn skins
(And wear them more)

Monkey see Monkey do
Monkey has an alibi
Baby wants Baby has
Baby never has enough
It's a mind being overrun
Monkey see Monkey do
Monkey has an alibi
It's a mind being overrun

JessicaVendetta · 02-05-2008, 11:19 PM

Ohhhhh, I liked it

Very true and down to earth, saying it like it is!
Dont really see how this would play out into a song but as writing, I thought it was great!

thamior · 02-06-2008, 12:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by T.W. North

Note: This is a metal song (Melodic Death Metal if you know of it) and large sections of it are screamed/grunted.

Through blue eyes the world is in shadow - I assume your eyes are blue, or the eyes of your character are blue?
Unto the hills the wolves are spreading forth
The smoothest flesh is rough in due time
The sharpest knife is blunt before long
Nothing will stop evolution

The last 4 lines work well, not much comment there. "Unto" seems too much like an overused "poetic" word, however. If there's anything that could replace it, I think the verse would be strengthened.

Blood will flow

Simple and powerful

Monkey see Monkey do - Interesting, good.
Monkey has an alibi - Not so much a fan of this...
It's a mind being overrun - good

Words are precursors to the sons of man - You had precursors spelled incorrectly, rest of the line is good.
Not even love can hide the wounds are taken light - Way too vague, and the phrasing is confusing. It starts off making sense, but after wounds it deteriorates.
The softest touch is hard in due time - Flow for this line was awkward to me. Too many heavy "stop" words (touch, hard, due)
The safest place is dangerous - Interesting juxtaposition, but you should back it up somewhere else in the lyric. Contrasts are nice, but mean little if they don't hold a truth that is either "obvious" or explained to be obvious.
Nothing will stop evolution

Tears will flow - The one liners are all powerful thus far, which, should be the focus of such lines.

Monkey see Monkey do
Monkey has an alibi
Baby wants Baby has - Interesting
Baby never has enough - good, but what baby are we referring to?
It's a mind being overrun - good

For children always see the worst - I'm not sure this line holds true for me, most children, given that they haven't seen much of the world, are optimists.
And they will grow into worn skins - Another awkward line
(And wear them more) - Good, just fix the line above it to flow better

Monkey see Monkey do
Monkey has an alibi
Baby wants Baby has
Baby never has enough
It's a mind being overrun
Monkey see Monkey do
Monkey has an alibi
It's a mind being overrun

All in all, a good piece. Needs some tweaks here and there, but almost nothing is perfect.

T.W. North · 02-06-2008, 11:14 PM

My songs are meant to make you think, so please, never complain of vagueness. It DOES get a bit annoying when I'm purposefully metaphorical. (I realise you didn't know this before, so yeah, now you do =P). I agree that the 'grow into worn skins' line is awkward but for now I don't know how to fix it. But you say that line doesn't ring true, however, thats the whole meaning of the song - that children are inherititing (sp?) the violence of previous generations. Oh, and the blue eyes in the first line - all babies are born with blue eyes.

thamior · 02-07-2008, 04:02 PM

T.W. I knew what you were trying to achieve, but there's a difference between being vague and being thought provoking. If you don't give your reader a chance to figure it out, they'll be turned off real quick.

When you tell a story that's an extended metaphor, for instance, you can lay out a nice, clean plot. However, it might take some thinking to see past the obvious plot into what's really going on.

If you just talk about monkeys picking their noses, the reader is only left confused. And only those close to you will figure it out.

Damian_Rucci · 02-07-2008, 05:55 PM

Very nice T.W. very nice it was deep

T.W. North · 02-07-2008, 11:44 PM

Actually, people close to me generally have more trouble figuring it out, simply because they're not always as mature as those I show elsewhere. I has nothing to do with knowing me. 'wounds are taken light'...wounds mean nothing. It's not a hard translation. At least thats what I figured. I mean, to me, it didn't seem like you were thinking about the song at all while you read because most things that are vague before hand (the monkey, the baby) are explained by the bridge.