Apocryphal - Writers Forum

Mevalgre · 02-02-2008, 03:09 PM

Disrecognize this momentum
Stereophonic and immutable
Force that advances our
Common destination

Did you even know where we're going?

These verdant pathways
Subtle and tranquil
in the instants of
a subsequent memory.

We form with apocryphal materials
This sense of intentional destination
Desensitize me to the final dissolve
When perpetual is the hope all the more

These moments too must fail
and in the silence that abates
perhaps we truly had that time
and that look in your eye.

I guess, it might seem a bit vague, but I'm trying my best to hide a meaning in this. The trick being, that the person who its written about will not be able to figure out that its about them. I know. Lame. But, yeah.

Mevalgre · 02-02-2008, 03:10 PM

oh right. its not a misuse of the word apocryphal, I'm just bending the word a little bit to fit what I want to infer.

One_Who_Writes_Fantasy · 02-03-2008, 01:10 PM

Nice! I love it!!!! Keep writing, it's very poetic!

Industrial · 02-03-2008, 05:15 PM

I'm curious about how this would sound.

heh. Looks good on paper though.

Mystery · 02-04-2008, 08:30 AM

Learn to use your vocabulary correctly, big words != good writing.

Industrial · 02-04-2008, 10:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mystery

Learn to use your vocabulary correctly, big words != good writing.

heh. Lots of historic poets use "big words" even though they are out of place. They use them for the connotations associated with he word or perhaps for a metaphorical twist.

Don't take things so literally he even said he was bending the title word of his song. Perhaps he did this with other words.

Mystery · 02-05-2008, 08:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Industrial

heh. Lots of historic poets use "big words" even though they are out of place. They use them for the connotations associated with he word or perhaps for a metaphorical twist.

Don't take things so literally he even said he was bending the title word of his song. Perhaps he did this with other words.

Hmm a full serving of patronization and misunderstanding.

IT has nothing to do with "big words" or how he twisted the title, it has to do with the fact that it sticks out like a sore thumb that this is a show of vocabulary, not a lyric.

T.W. North · 02-05-2008, 11:32 PM

I'm afraid to say Mystery is right. If you're going to be dangerously vague and metaphorical, at least do it with words that aren't fifteen letters long and are actually just a replacement for a million other, easier, more recognizable and meaningful words. Most of the words you used only have one or two meanings. If you want to be vague, use words with multiple meanings.

Mevalgre · 02-08-2008, 12:31 AM

I'll agree with my detractors on this one, but I differ on the fact that I was just trying to use big words for the sake of sounding smart. I've had a habit of using really short simplistic words and feeling like what I was writing was pretty mundane and typical. This is an overreaction to that, and I guess partially a reflection of the lyrics in the music I've been into lately. I understand that I misused words in this, in most cases it was intentional, in some, it was pure folly. I've actually rewritten this to try to address the parts that made no sense or failed and the absolute butcher job I did on tenses. I want to thank EVERYONE for their comments, if noone points out what I'm doing wrong, I'm never gonna learn. In the same sense, without encouragement of people who like what I'm doing, I'm going to feel that everything I do is stagnant.

I'd really like to avoid the perception that I'm using the writing as a vocabulary showoff. The only thing on my mind while I was writing this was the situation I wrote about and the feelings involved, and the attempt to not sound like another mundane unrequited love song.

Oh, and I've always liked changing the root words wirh awkward prefixes and suffixs. (in this one, Disrecognize)
Its bad english. I know.

Mevalgre · 02-08-2008, 12:32 AM

Re-write

Disrecognize this momentum
Stereophonic and immutable
Force that advances our
Common destination

Do you even know where we're going?

These verdant pathways
Subtle and winding
in the instant of
a subsequent memory.

We form with apocryphal materials
This sense of intentional destination.
Desensitize me to the final dissolve
When reality conspires to end it all.

These moments too must fail
and in the silence that abates
So did we truly have that time
and that look in your eye?

Damian_Rucci · 02-09-2008, 05:56 PM

I have to agree with Mystery as well. You do the same as in your other song. Songs don't need words that no one has every heard of. Not trying to be rude, but giving criticism