citygirl

Will you walk with me?
Though the road gets rough
Though the winds blow strong
And the nights are long.

(Will you be my friend?)

Will you talk to me?
Though you have nothing to say
and I have nothing to portray
still you will be there for me

(will you be my friend?)

I have searched a lifetime
To find a friend.
Through pages of my imagination
I formed an image

Of you…

Baron

This was sadly slipping onto page two onnoticed. You capture the mood well in this but I think that as it stands it is more of a lyric than a poem. Then again, where does one draw the line?

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DarkThrone

I like it. I thought it was very good, and portrayed a sense of loneliness. Nice work.

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Mevalgre

I really like this. Can't quite explain why though. Honest simplicity maybe.

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citygirl

thank you Mevalgre, and dark throne, I appreciate your comments. Thanks for stopping in to comment.

citygirl

Thank you Baron. I suppose it could be written as a song....hum **thinking***

dannyboy

There is little to redeem this piece. Its sentimental and its forced...and its probably where we all start. Read poems.

citygirl

umm, actually thought this poem flowed out, did not see it as forced at all.....;(

dannyboy

here is an example

in S1 you rhyme lines 3&4 in S2 its lines 2&3 in S3 there is none - why?

For me with Squalor

Very lyrical! I was singing it from the first line on. Its has all the attributes of a song in my mind. It could be a good one at that, as it has simpleness and still is not clichéd too much. Good work on it, just as Baron said I don't see it as a poem that much (as a poem its much weaker).

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citygirl

" in S1 you rhyme lines 3&4 in S2 its lines 2&3 in S3 there is none - why?" Dannyboy, I can not answer your question. In order for me to rhyme the last lines I would have to force it, because I wrote it exactly as it came to me. I am not a poet.

dannyboy

I have no doubt you wrote it as it came to you and therein lies the crux of forced - too often people think forced means you've reworked and reworked something (to get the rhyme or some such device) - not to me, to me forced usually means trying to be 'poetic' without actually doing any of the hard work. Poetry is the art of working and reworking first drafts like this, using all the devices at your command, so that what is hard work, appears effortless and unforced.

I have it

word danny boy! That is why i want to go to school for poetry so I can be taught all those great techniques! I am starting to read the classics now...I have been stuck on Slyvia Plath's "Ariel" and Anne Sexton's stuff....I am going thru this feminist phase...hear me ROAR!

CITY GIRL-your poem is sweet. Poems are poems....just all vary in depth, intelligence and originality. I think your ideas are a little bit cliche, which means they have been used many times before, they are great ideas, but you are being vague, perhaps you can be a bit more specific. great job! =)

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vangoghsear

Baron hits the nail on the head. This works way better as a lyric than as a poem. As a lyric, it is not bad at all. You should post this in lyrics.

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citygirl

thanks vangoghsear, I will have this moved to lyrics. thanks