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rhyming "say" and "portray" in the context of this piece, is a forced rhyme. This might work as a lyric, though I think it needs a bit more meat. To repeat "(will you be my friend?)" I think that the previous lines should be somewhat similar to hold the flow in place. The second one felt jarring to me. You talk about forming an image, but it is hard to see one in all this abstract diction. I can't call this a good poem, but it might qualify as a decent lyric with some reworking.
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My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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