Mevalgre

(I just kind of spit this out last night, its the only one I don't have to transcribe from a notebook. I'm primarily a guitar player, and I'm sure most of you can probably tell, I'm a beginner at this, but I'd like any pointers, criticism, or anything you can say about it. Please don't just say "you suck" I already understand that. I'm looking for constructive criticism, negative or positive)

I don't want to be here anymore.
I want back the grey.
I want back the squalor.
I want the sun to hide its face.
Behind buildings that give me
vertigo when I look up

I want the glares back
I'm sick of the shiny people.
I want the frozen penance of
a world thats dead to the core

I want back the inspiration that
comes flowing from misery
and the pressure that pushes
on you so hard the words just flow.

I want the sky to scream again.
I want it to inspire fear
I want to feel the envelope of night
so consuming that you're invincible.

Since I came I haven't felt the thunder crack
I haven't truly seen the night.
They keep it all so illuminated
you can't escape the lights.

I'm feeling the dulling boredom of losing my place and I can't help but wonder what the living fuck is the point of dealing with things I'd rather
destroy than focus on I'm someone else and I'm wondering why the
fuck I can't walk away from who I was?!

Mevalgre

I guess. I should point out too, that alot of the lyricists that I look up to have a habit of writing in odd timing and making it fit with the song. Its a bit informal, but with the music I'm into (ska, punk, jazz) the timing of the lyrics isn't necessarily so important, at least to me.

Industrial

heh. I listen to ska also. I feel like there should be more of a pattern though. You established a parallel structure at the beginning of the piece with the "I want", I thought that would continue throughout the piece which it does but not the same way you established it.

But I am actually really fond of the content, It's right up my mentality so to say.

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Mevalgre

yeah, I have to admit that on this one, I payed almost no attention to structure at all while I was writing it, I had meant it originally as sort of an angry outburst to someone, but it ended up forming differently.